Fused

Chapter 3: A Universe of Grief

Against eternal injustice, man must assert justice, and to protect against the universe of grief, he must create happines.                                                                                                                                 -Albert Camus

***

I couldn't imagine what Mom wanted to tell me about my father's death. What else was there to know? I was there when the officer came to the door. I knew it all. He died in a car accident. Adults don't think children see and know as much they see and know, but I remember quite clearly the knock on the door that Sunday night...

"Eat your green beans Josie. You have to eat something green before you get macaroni and cheese. That's the house rule. Besides, what would your Daddy say if he came home and saw you didn't eat your green beans."

I was seated at the table in the kitchen. Daddy had to go into work for something that evening. His trip had taken longer than expected so he wasn't home for dinner. I didn't want to disappoint Daddy; he had grown the green beans himself in our backyard garden so I ate one. When I heard a car pull into the driveway I slid out of my chair and ran to the door.

"Daddy's home! Daddy's home!" I opened the front door expecting to see him standing there waiting with a hug, but it wasn't him. It was a man in a blue uniform with a regretful look on his face as he stared down at me.

"Hi Sweety. Can I talk to your Mommy?" Mom stepped up behind me. She also had been expecting my father.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, Mam. No Mam. I mean I have some news for you. Maybe your daughter ought to go in the other room Mam."

"Josie honey, I set your macaroni and cheese on the table. Go eat while I talk to this nice man." I knew the nice man was a police officer and I could tell by the grim look on his face that whatever he wanted to talk to my Mom about was not good. I walked to the kitchen but neglected the macaroni and cheese and instead lingered in the doorway willing my ears to hear what the officer had to say.

"Mam I'm Officer Burgess with the San Diego Police Department. Do you know Micah Nabors?"

"Yes sir, he's my husband."

"Well Mam, there's been an accident. His vehicle was in a very serious crash and he...well he...The paramedics on scene did everything they could..."

"Ok, what are you saying officer?"

"He didn't make it Mam."

I heard what the officer said so I snuck around the corner so I could see my mother. She had a death grip on the door frame as she sank to her knees. The officer stood with his hands clasped together in front of him. His silhouette in the door frame, with the last light of the setting sun behind him and my mother on her knees, is an image forever stamped into my memory.

"What do you mean he didn't make it?"

The officer knelt so that he could look my mother in the face before he continued. I can't imagine it was easy for him to be the bearer of such news, but he did his best to be compassionate.

"A big rig jackknifed on the freeway Mam. The roads nearer the coast are blanketed with fog and before anyone could respond to the accident and stop traffic your husband came upon it. We don't think he saw the truck. There were no skid marks you see. He...Mam, I'm sorry... we don't think he suffered. We found his identification in some luggage in the back of the vehicle."

"No...God, no, no, no." She cried.

"I'm sorry Mam, but I do have a couple questions to ask if you think you might be of mind to answer."