Bokuaka - The accuracy of destiny - Angst/Fluff

Intro

a/n: Hey, guys. This is my second book and I am still not a native speaker. Feel free to comment on mistakes or requests. And check out my other Bokuaka-book, that's super fluffy #self-promo. But unlike the other book this will be in Akaashi's pov. Also Trigger warning, because of the mention of self harm and suicide. Anyway, I hope you like this story. Let's go

A birthday is something special to every child. You get cake and presents, and everyone has to be nice to you. Later you get to throw a huge party on your birthdays, and you celebrate your path to becoming an adult with all the benefits.

I have always been different. I didn't like the attention and I don't really have a sweet tooth. Not that I had many friends to celebrate it with anyways. I thought it's pathetic to celebrate the benefits you achieve as an adult, when everyone forgets about the duties and responsibilities that come by. For me, my birthday was just any other day. Nothing special. Except for one. On your 17th Birthday you are paired with your soulmate. From this day on, every bruise and every cut on your skin, appears on your soulmates skin too. Probably to make sure, that you can take care properly of your significant other. And when you find this soulmate, you are destined to be partners in life. Mostly in a romantic way, sometimes just as friends, but never apart.

For me, it would be enough to have someone by my side. I didn't need a romantic story out of a manga. I didn't even need a romance at all. I just didn't want to be so alone anymore. So, having someone that destiny puts to your side, was a very exciting thought. On my 17th Birthday, where I was supposed to be paired, I stood up early in the morning to check my whole body in the mirror for any bruises. I don't like my skinny body with that pale skin and normally I avoid mirrors. But for this special occasion I made an exception and inspected my whole body for any bruises on my white skin.

I was very disappointed, when I found my skin unscathed as always. But maybe, my soulmate just didn't have any bruises that day. So, I went on with my day, avoiding any questions about possible bruises and waited for the common tickling sensation from the soulmate bond, when my soulmate gets hurt. The next morning, I checked in the mirror again, only to be greeted by my pale, flawless skin. And the next day again. And the following too. Maybe my soulmate took care of his body, like I did too. So, I decided to send him a message. I ran down in the kitchen to grab a knife and cut my finger. I was too eager and too impatient to really notice the pain. And then I waited. After a few seconds, the blood was dried and the rest of my skin still flawless.

My next guess was, that maybe he is younger than me, so the bond might form in the future. So, I waited and stopped taking care of my body. I didn't hurt myself on purpose, but I wasn't careful to prevent bruises either. I started playing Volleyball, which caused several bruises on my body. Hoping, that the bruises appear on my soulmates skin and send him some kind of message, that I was desperate to receive too. I am here. But whenever I looked at my skin, I only found the bruises, that I had done to myself. I got bruises and no one saw them or took care of them. Because destiny had decided to bond me with loneliness.

3 years later, a test was invented, where you could check your blood and eventually get clues about your soulmate, like the nationality and gender, even if the bond didn't awaken yet. It was a desperate, naive and pitiful try. After that test I cried for days. No bond detected. Was I not good enough to have a soulmate? Is there no one, who would be there for me? How can destiny be so cruel?

Now, I am 25 years old and I had finally accepted my destiny. This hole in my heart was still there, aching and blood dripping out. But it is now easier to ignore. I've got a job, a nice apartment and I finally found some friends. No one too close, but we are friends for some years now and they still didn't run away. In my eyes that's a success. I felt numb inside, the days flood past me, nothing really touching me.

I haven't had a romantic partner once. I am pretty sure it would be a boy if I found someone, but I don't want to have a partner, that is destined to be with someone else. I would always be second choice and sooner or later he would leave me. So, I never started anything. It would only remind me of the pain I am so desperately trying to forget. And I haven't met anyone without a soulmate that caught my interest.

A few years ago, I met a woman, that didn't have a soulmate either. Her story was full of men, that left her for their soulmate. She was 43 years old and alone. It was like I saw a glimpse of my future and it scared me. This was the day, I stopped inspecting my body for marks. And when I started to ruin my skin, because who should I be careful for? I got angry whenever I saw this flawless, perfect skin, so I started to ruin it. It's not like the marks affect someone else and at least they help me to ease the pain of my heart. Luckily the marks never were too serious, only a few of them left scars.

There have been times, were I considered ending my misery. Then I found my friends, before I managed to gather enough courage. Oikawa and Suga. They both had soulmates, but sometimes they ditched them to take care of me. They ditched their soulmate for me. I know, this might be nothing special to anyone else. They still have the rest of their lives with their soulmate, so what difference would make a day more or less? But for me it meant the world, that I was the number one for someone, even if it was only for a day. And whenever this happens, I can forget my pain for a few hours.

I love my friends, really. I love spending time with them. And I am happy for their relationships. But I refuse to spend time with their soulmates. I know both of my friends wanted to invite me over several times. Wanted to introduce their soulmates, Daichi and Iwaizumi, to me. And I tried, I really did. But I couldn't. Seeing them with their soulmate. With someone so loving and caring and with their partner as priority number one at any time, feeling their special bond. Seeing, what I will never have. After I met Daichi for the first time, I cried for days. I cut my arms so deep, that the marks left the first scares on my former flawless skin. When Suga noticed, I saw the guilt in his eyes. He knew about my situation, like Oikawa did too.

I know he had told Oikawa about my cutting and crying, because after this day none of the two ever invited me over again. They tried to minimize the times, where they mentioned their soulmates. It relieved me, but also made me feel guilty. I know, they have to hold back a lot for the sake of my mental health. So, I stopped hanging out with them so often. They still try to reach me, but I push them away. I felt so cruel, feeling envy of my best friends. How can I look them in the eyes again?

Now I am alone again. They visit me from times to times, but we weren't as close as before the incident. I was numb again. Feeling nothing but the pain inside my chest, living my life without being touched. Today is my 25th birthday. A day, like every other. Where I can celebrate my 25 years of loneliness. And that is the day, where our story begins.