Bokuaka - The accuracy of destiny - Angst/Fluff

Back to normal

My meeting with Bokuto Koutarou was now one week ago and I haven't heard anything from him. Which I didn't want to admit but made me slightly frustrated. Sometimes I would even think that I had only dreamt that day, if it hadn't been for the owl-painting. I had hidden that painting from Mia's eager and Suga's analyzing eyes, making sure to not share it, until I had figured out what I meant. Instead I kept it in my special room of pictures, I would never sell. You could find that room in the back of my atelier, hidden behind a huge shelf full of paint and it was locked with a key, only I know the location of. Entering this room would mean entering my soul, my deepest thoughts and feelings laid down exposed, for any one to stomp on it.

I, don't enter that room much either. Not only because I am scared, I might get caught by Suga or Mia with their spare key. But rather because stepping into that room was like looking at a mirror. There are days, where I sit in this room and stare at the paintings for hours, trying to find something or to figure out my confused mind. Sometimes I can't even look at the door because I don't want to be confronted with my insides. At these days I avoid any type of mirror either, trying to forget who I am. It was just something so deeply personal, that it scared me how the owl has become a part of it this fast. But although I consider it the same as the other pictures in that room, this specific one wasn't like the others. It was outstanding, shining above the rest, making me forget the other parts of my soul. And I haven't decided yet if I would consider it a good or bad thing.

Right now, it was a bad thing. Although I tried to deny it, I wasn't the same this past week. Normally I don't run to the phone as soon as it rings. I don't accidentally watch this stupid news shows, specialized on celebrity-rumors. And I don't stare at one painting for one week, not feeling like wanting to draw a new one. I was lacking inspiration, making Mia worried since it was a first for me to not call her in such a long time. At the end of the day I even started to get sick, maybe because I had sat on the cold floor of my soul-room for too long. It made me miss some arts gala yesterday, which I honestly didn't care about anyways. I had won some price, that Mia had accepted for me, excusing my absence in her speech.

It was worth missing the party, since I finally had a night of decent sleep without waking up, from feeling warm, cold or from coughing. As I was laying in my bed the next morning, I already knew my fever was gone without checking the temperature. My had wasn't dizzy anymore and hadn't coughed in half an hour, only my nose was still running a little. I hate being sick since it made me vulnerable and needy. When I was a kid, my mom would always cuddle with me until I was asleep, when I was ill. Of course, I don't want to infect someone, but to lay in bed, feeling like shit and not having anyone to take care of you, makes this situation even worth.

I groaned slightly, realizing I was back at it again with my regular pity-parties, feeling pathetic over it. But it's not my birthday, so no parties for me. Just when I decided to stand up and make myself some breakfast, I heard my phone ringing. The caller ID showed that it was Mia calling, probably to ask, whether I had finally some new painting for her. I debated a bit, if should eat first or answer the phone. Deciding, that I am not ready to face Mia yet, I stand up to make myself some breakfast. After that, I put on some old cloth and head downstairs to my atelier. I set up a canvas a for the first time ever, I forced myself into drawing. After one week of lacking inspiration, making me wonder if it really is a good idea to see Bokuto again, considering he should help me get more inspiration and not losing it. Not to be dramatic, but it could end my career and makes me feal empty. And I don't want to feel empty, just because I am not with this guy.

But forcing myself to draw ends always with me, staring at the canvas for hours, without really moving. Which is exactly what I am doing now. But this time, as I was staring at the empty canvas, I allowed my mind for the first time this week to wander off to the person, that was bugging me. I wanted to push him away, forget the impact, that he had on me after one stupid meeting, but I can't seem to escape him. So, I let that anger and frustration lead me, feeling a bit overwhelmed from this strong feeling, that are normally directed toward destiny or myself. But instead I felt this strong wave of anger radiate towards another person, burning in my veins and bringing his brothers and sisters with him, naming frustration, confusion and helplessness.