SING ME TO SLEEP -- neil perry

chapter eight: avoiding him

TW // self-harm, depressive thoughts, and slight mentions of homophobia and possible eating disorder

if any of these affect you, or your mental health isn't too great, skip past the parts marked with ****____****

 please take care of yourselves :)

Neil had always been attracted to girls, he knew that. There had been Jessica Rambly in the summer between 9th and 10th grade and Nora Walsch during his sophomore year, sneaking out the back of the school and bringing her on midnight diner dates. He had loved being with her, she had made him happier than he had been in a long time, but after a few months, she had broken it off with him saying that she wanted someone who could spend more time with her. After that he had fallen into a cycle of self-hate and self-harm, thinking that maybe he was truly worthless, maybe what his father said to him was true, he had no value if he didn't live up to the expectations of the people around him, and he had obviously failed Nora.

****____****

Neil tore at his skin with his nail, trying to pull it off layer by layer, maybe he could make himself bleed. There were tears streaming down his cheeks as he stood outside of the theatre and the snow drifted down around him, laying in soft blankets on his eyelashes and the ground. The words were echoing in his mind.

"You're never available," Nora had said. "You're too caught up in your schoolwork. You never make time for me."

Neil had been struggling to hold himself together, he had failed yet another person, but he wasn't going to allow himself to cry in front of someone. That was too embarrassing.

"I'm breaking up with you, I hope you find someone who you care about enough to actually go out with them." Nora said angrily and then turned on him and walked into the snow, away from him.

Neil was confused, what had he done wrong? He did care about her, but there were so many other things he was supposed to care about too, school, becoming a doctor. He needed to care about those things because if he didn't his father might hurt him again.

So he began to cry. It was midnight. There was no one out in the freezing cold. He was worthless. He couldn't be enough for anyone. So he scratched himself again and again until there were blood droplets spilling out onto the snow, and he finally felt something.

****____****

Neil had sworn off feeling for anyone since then, he knew he would just let them down. It was less that he didn't like anyone, he did, he had started to realize it a while ago, the way his jealousy of Charlie had turned into something different, or maybe it always had been. Rather than wanting to be him, Neil knew he wanted to be with him, but he had gotten over that fast, he knew Charlie wasn't into guys, and Neil didn't want to hurt his best friend. He couldn't tell anyone he was into guys himself, the news would get to his father and he would probably be shipped off to some conversion camp.

But with Todd, with Todd it was something different. There was a connection between the two of them, something Neil had never felt before. Something in the way Todd always looked at the ground when he spoke, or how he brushed his hair to the side every time it fell in his eyes. There was an irresistible bond that was drawing the two of them together, and it scared Neil. It really scared him.

So, as he found his way down the crowded staircase, he decided that he would stay as far away from Todd as he could. He might hurt Todd's feeling, but it was better in the long run. Neil couldn't risk hurting him.