Self-hate Sucks

Letter from the Editor

    Here's a little bit about me. I am 23, 5'8" and if you must know, I've been upwards of 230lbs. I don't want to be overweight and I used to be decently fit in school when I played sports. But, alas, time has left me with a slow metabolism and vitamin deficiencies that cause low energy and depression.
Not to sound judging, but the word depression is very misapplied. It can definitely mean self-hate to the point of ending one's life but in the majority of cases it just means that there is lack of energy, distaste for one's self or an overall sense of nothingness. In my case, I become unmotivated and tired all of the time. I could wake up one day and just spend the entire day in bed, not talking to anyone nor eating anything. I simply just lose the will to move.
It can also be induced by a number of things. Stress, unhealthy eating habits, genetics, medical issues, or even just over/under-sleeping. Mine happens to come about from all of these things amongst others like guy troubles, financial strain and school. I began to notice the extreme mood swings right out of high school when I didn't have a job, my father was breathing down my neck (rather violently I might add) and I hadn't a penny to my name. There aren't many worse feelings than depending on someone else to feed you or put a roof over your head while they constantly remind you of how useless you are. Some might say just go get a job, but I couldn't. I graduated at 17 and no matter how many places I applied (20+) no one would hire someone underage even though my birthday was in 2 months. This was the first time I took a knife to my arm making sure I had a physical scratch for each time my father yelled at me.
    As much as I'd like to blame someone for this, please know that my father is not a bad person. I am not meaning to insult or degrade, he can be very sweet and caring but we both tend to be stubborn and moody when we are stressed. Just one of our bad personality traits. My mother, on the other hand, can be quite positive. To the point it's sickening for a pessimist like myself. Her rule of thumb was "you can always make friends if you just smile. And if you can't smile on your own, just think of something happy and your day will go better". Now, I don't know if anyone else has tried something like this but I still laugh to this day thinking of what she told me. Needless to say, it didn't work.
    About three years ago, after I had retained a job for a couple years and was satisfied that I could provide for myself, I continued my education with a Bachelor's program for K-8 education. Long story short, I was stressed with finances, I was disappointed with my core-teacher who had nothing but negative feedback, and I couldn't pass this awful test in order to graduate.
    This was about the time I met my best friend whom I thought I fell madly and deeply in love with. It was my first ever real romance so I was excited to be able to experience new things. Spoilers, it didn't work out. After about a year of investing in a relationship, he decided to go with another girl for the sake of proximity and I was devastated. I think the worst part was that he broke the trust we shared when he broke the promise he made to tell me if things had changed. I went four months wondering why he wasn't calling as much or why he stopped calling me the pet names he gave me. Four months wondering what I did to upset him or why I wasn't enough for him to be happy to find out he had someone else in his life. I love my best friend to the moon and back, but it just wasn't meant to be. I tried everything to face my agony, revisiting the old knife, writing depressing poetry and crying my eyes out over my notebook, contemplating some not so great events that could end the suffering.
    The next five months weren't much better. I tried going on dating sites to ease my mind, and the first guy I came across led me on for a week. He used therapeutic discussions to help me get over my friend but by the end, he repeated the same words my friend used, verbatim, and ended things. My mind struggled through replays of what to say differently or how to act differently so that someone would love me. I met up with several other guys and tried different approaches, funny, intelligent, cute, daring, athletic. Each guy ended up the same and I was left alone. I remember two specific incidents the best. The first, someone local, convinced me that he went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a brain lump which caused headaches. But when he asked me to be his girlfriend on the third date, he didn't want me to meet any of his family or friends. He ended up ghosting me the day after I asked him to wait till he was ready. The second incident tried putting his hands all over my body and asked for oral intimacy on the second date and when I refused or felt uncomfortable it was because I was inexperienced and shy. (Don't fall for these types of people, they're not worth the effort).
    Needless to say, I wasn't too impressed with the male population as I'm sure many males aren't impressed with the female (girls, I know there's quite a few of you out there who are ruining all the good men). In the end, nothing seemed to work and the world felt small and undesirable. But something changed. I decided to make my body healthier, I decided to stop needing romance to be happy and I finished a few of my projects. I wrote a novel and received amazing feedback, I practiced my artwork and started painting, tried to work on my sleeping and eating habits (those are a little harder to do) and I started to put faith in myself rather than others. Once I began to believe in myself, to trust that I can make my own life better, I began to feel a little different. Not to say that depression and anxiety goes away, it doesn't. But I did notice that each day I had a little more energy and excitement for the day. I started to enjoy spending time with my family a little bit more.
    A few months ago, I met a wonderful man who started off as a complete coincidence. Just happened to be in my city at the right time and his home wasn't too far away. I can't say that he's helped me figure everything out because that would be ridiculous, finding a guy never solves all your problems, but I can say that my insecurities weren't ugly to him which caused me to think maybe they're not as ugly to me either. I began to look at myself a bit different in the mirror and started to wonder why I made so many excuses for myself. Each lie I told about my appearance or body seemed so... unimportant.
    I made a mental list of the things I wanted in life and how I was going to work towards them, as well as a list of who I wanted to keep in contact with. Some of the worst enemies you can have are the "friends" you choose to hang around. NEGATIVITY IS NEGATIVITY, even if it's your friend. If they don't support your wish to become healthier or happier, if they don't stop trying to persuade you into bad habits or bad relationships, if they don't allow you to rely on them as they have relied on you then they're not your friend. I'm not saying you can't be nice to these people, but STOP PEOPLE PLEASING! This is the worst mistake you can make for yourself. Constantly needing for the people around you to be happy in order for your own happiness is not how life is supposed to work. Constantly being the "group therapist" and taking all of their problems in without solving your own is not how life is supposed to work. Every relationship should be 50/50 whether romantic, relative or friends.
    That being said, there are so many ways you can change your lifestyle for the better. If you wish to read about the ones I've found, please keep in mind that every person is different and not everything I suggest will be perfect for your lifestyle. The only person who can dictate how you should live is you but stop living through the lies you tell the mirror. Stop belittling yourself and try to actually feel good in your own skin. Everyone is beautiful in their own way (even if the sentiment is overused). Please enjoy my story and continue to live life to it's fullest!