Self-hate Sucks

Anxiety is a Bitch!

    My worst quality, by far, is my anxiety. The strange thing about anxiety is that it has just as many forms as people have personalities. Each person sees it and feels it differently. My anxiety derives from the constant feeling of being worthless, like I have no importance in the world and if I were to leave, that no one would care. This is a very general feeling for a lot of people, but what's not normal is the constant worry that I will say or do something that will offend another person. This is what many call being a people pleaser.
Just the other day, I had a major anxiety attack because I felt that my boyfriend was interested in another female. Now, normal people might just confront their significant other and ask about it or they might even just let it go knowing fully well that their partner is trustworthy. I trust my boyfriend completely, I know he has my best interests in mind. But what I couldn't control  was my brain's reaction to the situation. Immediately, I saw flashbacks of all the other guys I've been interested in and replayed each time that I was cheated on, or lied to or left for someone more appealing. My brain shut down and tore itself apart with the smallest possibility that he didn't love me anymore. So, the next day I apologized for reacting so terribly. I fully intend to work on myself and confronted him about my problems. I was honest and told him that I reacted harshly and that I was sorry for making him feel like I didn't trust him. All should have been fine, right? Alas, it was not. He admitted that he did feel a little upset (which people are allowed to do!) and my brain immediately snapped back to now he's irritated, he's upset that I don't trust him. Now he doesn't want to deal with my crap anymore and my insecurities are too much to handle. How could he love me when I'm so pathetic and weak?
I had a lot of issues running through my mind and a lot of self doubt that I really don't need to go through. I'm sure that you know exactly what I'm talking about and if not, then you are very lucky. Anxiety really is a bitch even if you only have small amounts of it. It's probably the worst kind of mental illness because it's the one constantly whispering in your ear that you'll never be enough. It's the one telling you to just give up already. Well slap it in the face and tell it to SHUT UP! Your anxiety does not get to run your life, it doesn't get to ruin your relationships or hurt the ones you love. You can choose to push it aside and respond to situations differently. It's going to be hard and sometimes you might not be able to stop it, but that's what good people are for. That's why you need to surround yourself with the type of friends who understand that you're working on yourself and are there to support you. The friends that say hey, you need to stop belittling yourself and have some more confidence. The friends that will talk you through the problem rather than brushing it under the rug because let's face it, they may brush it under the rug but that one argument will last forever in our minds. It's eats away at us as small fights build and build into one big blowout.
My anxiety has caused me to pass up a lot of opportunities. My biggest dream is to sing professionally. I like to think I have a decent voice as I've been a music student my entire life and I've even gotten some feedback saying my tone is great. But, trying karaoke for the first time in front of family (the people I'm the most comfortable around) and my hands shook so bad the microphone would not stop vibrating. It was physically visible that my entire upper body was shaking and my voice over the microphone just trembled so that I couldn't sing the correct notes. This is why anxiety is the worst. Not because it's terrible on your body, which it is, but because it stops us from being something great. It stops us from achieving the amazing things in life.
In order to overcome anxiety, you have to understand where it comes from and what big stressors cause it. For some, that could mean that you're an introvert and have a low social battery. For others, that could mean you're facing a deep fear like stage fright or failure. For most people, it's coming to terms that you are worth more than you perceive yourself and that your voice matters. History is not written by those that faced a problem and then turned back around. I'm sure you've heard the saying before, but life is what we make of it. Overcoming anxiety is tricky, but it IS possible. You just have to work at it and keep practicing.
I told a friend of mine once that anxiety is like PTSD. It's something that will stick with you forever and there may be days where it's so bad that you can't help but give into it. But the next day, after you've had a good cry or done what you need to, you pick yourself back up and keep working on your life. You keep working on your relationships and if you managed to hurt someone while having your anxiety attack then you apologize and forgive yourself but you try harder next time. We're not perfect, we were never meant to be. There will always be good and bad days, there will always be something that reminds you of a past failure and there will always be people trying to drag you down. But no matter what happens, you need to be the one to say "I can do this. I can make myself better" and then DO IT! Don't ever call yourself worthless or pathetic because it doesn't help, I should know. I said that to myself everyday for over 10 years. Such a waste of my life and I have nothing to show for it. Maybe it was stubbornness that kept me going or possibly just the hope of a better future, I'm not really sure. All I know is that life becomes manageable if you're brave enough to try and it does take bravery. Getting up everyday in the face of fear and anxiety is scary, especially when you're surrounded by people telling you that you're going to fail. That the world will eat you up and spit you back out again.
The biggest mistake you can make is to allow the world to dictate who you are. They don't know what the future holds and they sure as hell don't know what you can be. Allow yourself to improve and be who it is you're meant to be. Allow yourself the chance to live freely without the worry of what others may think because their opinion of you is not important. Those people that tell you you're ugly or fat are not important. Those people who glare or look disgusted are not important. Take it from someone who's been told she was ugly since the third grade, it's not worth remembering the words of hateful people. And more often than not, the words they spit at you is how they really feel about themselves. It's the fear they have that's showing, not the way they feel about you. You are so much more than words or sentences, you are a masterpiece created to be unique. You are a Picasso in the world of digitally printed artwork. You aren't meant to be standardized or mass-produced, nor are you meant to be perfect in any way, shape or form. And life may look a little messy up close, (I mean, whose doesn't?) but that's okay. Life is one big beautiful mess and we're just meant to enjoy it. Release your anxiety into the world and let somebody else deal with it, just take one day at a time.
If necessary, start each day standing straight up. Pull your shoulders back and take a big deep breath. Go on, do it. Think of one thing that is stressing you out and imagine releasing it as you release your breath. Feel the thought flow out of your mind as the air leaves your body. Then suck in another deep breath and do it again. Same fear, same stressor, just let it flow out. Don't even think about if it's silly or if it will actually work, that doesn't matter. The fact that you want to change your anxiety is what should start your healing process. Even if the problem is still on your mind, the practice of breathing deep will clear your thoughts up a bit and you may begin to feel better.
If you look in a mirror and see only flaws, look straight into your eyes and tell yourself that you are not what the world sees. Then look again and find something that you're proud of. Whether it's your smile, or hair color, maybe it's a nice pair of ankles! For myself, I love my eyes and how expressive they can be. It doesn't need to be something visible either, it could honestly be the way you care for people or the way that you can memorize nonsensical facts. No matter what it is, find the one thing that you enjoy about yourself, the one thing you're proud of and let that be the first positive thing. As you work on releasing your anxiety, you might notice a couple other things you like about yourself that you missed the first time. And as you release your anxiety, you'll be able to build more durable relationships and actually enjoy yourself more. Just remember, having fears doesn't make you weak, but not living because of those fears does. Have the courage to fight for yourself.