Self-hate Sucks

"I'm Fine..."

Poetry is the food of the soul. I'm not sure about the rest of you, but poetry, to me, is like sitting by the fire on a crisp autumn day when the sky is painted with dark clouds. A good poem can bring out the most intense emotions and sometimes, you never quite experience the same level of connection than that of words on a piece of paper. I, myself, love to write poetry to express my thoughts. It may seem odd or disturbing, but I pride myself when I manage to make someone cry with just my words. I know, it sounds weird, but if you think about it... making someone able to feel an emotion so strongly with just a string of letters on a page can be quite the accomplishment.
My intention is never to gain someone's pity but more so understanding. If someone can connect with my soul it's as if I've helped someone. I have a purpose. This poem happens to be my favorite and I've heard quite often that if depression had a solid definition, that this would be rather close...

She tries to laugh and fake a smile but she's been sad for quite a while.
It's no one's fault, it's in her head. She just can't seem to leave the bed.
Her heart's been broken, left alone. The fears that crept inside have grown.
But still she tries to love again, afraid to lose another friend.
She knows she's weak but still she tries to hide the tears she always cries.
She's not enough, she'll never be. She doesn't see what others see.
Protecting all that she has left, she guards the heart trapped in her chest.
And when she feels about to break, another pill will she then take.
She doesn't feel, she doesn't weep. Forgets to eat and cannot sleep.
But she will live as others do 'cause "that's what others want from you."
She dries her face and takes a breath, then makes a joke about her death.
She'll say she's "fine" if you ask why, but silently she says goodbye.

I strongly believe that writing down your worst thoughts and fears is a great way to rid them from your mind, or at least satisfy the feelings behind them. Poems, for me, were the only way I could express my pain and still feel human. I could turn something traumatic into a beautiful piece of artwork and others would actually be able to understand. In essence, it was a way to say "hey, I'm actually not doing so great right now but I don't really want to open up about it." In most cases, people don't want to admit they have such negative feelings let alone face them. I was just like anyone else in that sense.
    When I was younger, the first time I started cutting, I tried to hide it. It wasn't something I was proud of and I had already been to therapy once for anger management, I didn't want to go back again. My sister had somehow managed to catch a glimpse at my arm in passing and told my mother in secret and they both figured out a way to confront me about it without admitting they already knew. I still remember to this day that my mother had me try on a short sleeve shirt just so that she could ask about my arm when I showed her how it fit. The look of horror on her face is still engrained into my memory. I remember just feeling embarrassed and worried what she might say. I can't even imagine what she was thinking, seeing how her daughter was harming herself. It's not something easy to talk about and admitting to self-harm is definitely not a light topic, but you need to tell someone you trust. You need someone to hold you accountable and push you to make the right changes in your life.
    I could easily say that my mother had the perfect thing to say at that moment. I could say that my life changed for the better, but I would be lying. No, my mother threatened to take me to the pastor...again...and have a talk about it. She even threatened to show my grandmother and asked me "how do you think she would react to finding out about this?" It definitely wasn't helpful and she made me promise to quit doing it. Which I did for a while. I made sure the physical marks healed but the emotional scars never did. Each day I didn't cut my arm I thought about it and I relived the sensation in my memory. Until one day, a few years down the road, I started the habit up again. The constant stress of college and finances caused me to want an end to living. Then again just last year, as my family was asleep I stayed up in my living room crying my eyes out contemplating worst case scenarios. It seemed as if even after I went away nobody would notice. Each time I was able to stop, I promised myself I would never pick up the knife again. And yet, even last year, I ended up breaking that promise.
    When it comes to depression, there's not a lot that can make you feel whole. And it really doesn't take much to send you down that empty road again. The last time was caused by complete heartbreak. I felt like a failure in my own life and nothing seemed to be going right. Now this may seem a bit excessive of a reaction and I can't help but laugh to think about how little I knew of what the future held. But at the time, living seemed to be unimportant. There's the key word...important. I think we all struggle to feel self-important or to feel like we matter. It may not be a deep struggle and it may not even cross your mind for longer than a second, but we all have felt unimportant at some point in our lives. At this time in mine, it was all I could think about.
    Now, I'm no health official, but there are many ways that depression can come about. For me, it's genetics. I have what's called MTHFR which is a vitamin B deficiency and my body does not have the capability to break down the vitamins I need. If you don't already know, vitamin B is in control of many things and a deficiency in B12 can lead to disruption in the nervous system. It also leads to psychological problems such as dementia, paranoia, depression and behavioral changes such as: tiredness/fatigue, weakness, loss of appetite and poor memory amongst many other things. BUT, just because my body has medical issues, it doesn't give me an excuse to give into depression. That just means I have extra hurdles to conquer on my path to the finish line. No one ever promised that life is easy, and it sure is not guaranteed that you will be given a healthy body. But what you CAN do is to take care of the one you're given.
    There are many ways to counteract depression, whether it's genetics or seasonal or even event based. First, allow the time to grieve your loss. I don't just mean when you lose someone you love. Come to terms with why you're depressed and what it means to you. What is it that's making you feel weak, tired or unimportant. Is it the loss of someone you loved? Is it anger that you were built to be imperfect? Did someone hurt you in a way that you can't forgive? It's important to know the problems you're facing because if you don't understand where you came from, how do you know where it is you're supposed to go? Often times, we can't fix or change what's happened. We can't even resolve the cause behind the effect, but we can build ourselves up so we are better prepared.
    The first sign I notice when I'm slipping into a depressive episode is my lack of motivation. I want to sleep more and where I normally love to paint or draw on my free time, suddenly I just want to stay in bed and watch movies all day. There's nothing wrong with taking a day or two to relax and watch movies, but when it's because you feel too tired to move or eat then it becomes a problem. The next sign I get is my social battery remaining empty. I begin to notice that even when I don't leave the bed, I have no energy to talk to people or go outside. I become agitated if I have to answer messages or feel empty when someone asks me if I'm alright. Another thing that tends to happen is mood swings. Irritation is a very prominent mood when I'm depressed because if I can't deal with my own bullshit how am I supposed to deal with others? Ain't nobody got time for that!
    I'm sure there are many other things that happen to each individual and the worse case of depression you have, the worse symptoms you receive. If it gets to the point where you feel like life is no longer necessary, please talk to someone. There are so many reasons for you to stick it out and live in this world and let's face it, why would death be any more desirable than living? At least when we're living we can appreciate good music and taste amazing food. There's no certainty to what happens after death, maybe you just end up right back in the world again on a repeat cycle! Jokes aside, there is a lot we can accomplish if only we choose to live. Now, if your really want to change your lifestyle and feel healthy again, there are quite a few ways to help yourself.
    The main thing I've found with mine is my sleeping patterns. I tend to become either an insomniac or hypersomniac. Which basically means I don't sleep at all or I'm sleeping 15 hours a day and can't stay awake. Neither is healthy on your body and the first step you can take is to regulate your sleeping schedule. If you can't sleep, find ways of relaxation that you can retain energy and if you sleep too much, cause yourself to wake up and do some exercise. Exercise is very important to depressed people because exercise releases endorphins which is a chemical that reduces your perception of pain. In other words, you create a happy pill within yourself. Even if you can't feel good in your own body, by exercising you can send positive vibes to your brain which will help boost your mood.
    The next step to a healthier lifestyle is eating based on a nutritional diet. This DOES NOT mean following along with a generic diet plan. If everyone is unique in their own way, why would we all eat the same things and expect our body to react the same way? That's insane! Figure out what foods your body needs (a lot of times your cravings for certain food can dictate what your body desires for nutrition) and feed your soul. That's right, don't eat bland foods just because you think they're good for you. Salad can be the main cause of inflammation and make you feel bloated. If you want a brain boost, eat blueberries, turmeric, broccoli or dark chocolate. These foods help boost brain memory and will help liven up your mind. If you want healthier skin and nails, fish oil is very important as is proper hydration! If you're tired, eat oatmeal (slow-releases energy), spinach (high in iron which transports oxygen), eggs (high protein and has amino acids, vitamin B & D and healthy fats) or even fruit. Fruit is my favorite! They provide natural sugars which are absorbed and turned into energy without the crash afterwards and are high in fiber, vitamins and antioxidants.
    The best way to take care of depression is to take care of your body. Give it what it needs to live healthy and allow yourself to eat the foods you love. As long as you maintain a balance, don't just eat carbs one day and health foods another, your body will appreciate your effort and you will feel better about yourself. Make sure to keep well hydrated too! Water is the source of life and can sustain your body longer than food can. If you are not properly hydrated, your skin dries out and you become tired and lifeless. A lot of people don't like drinking water due to taste but there are tons of recipes to make healthy, tasty water like adding in lemons which act as an aid in weight-loss and reduce your risk of heart disease, anemia, kidney stones and cancer. If you take care of your body, you take care of your soul. Keep working on yourself and strive for a better future, you'll achieve your goal sooner than you may think.