I want to be able to look back at my past and be proud of myself from coming out of this dark hole that I'm in. I have multiple mental problems and some of them i can't control. Here's an example : when someone say something cruel to me or when i read something about me those words echo in my head. I try to avoid it by playing loud music, getting high by pills or drinking. The music blocks out them voices, the pills make me feel numb like i can't feel nothing but touch and sometimes i don't react to touch but i know when it's happening and when im high off pills i see my lil brother. I know he don't like seeing me like that but what am i suppose to do? Going to his grave,closing my eyes don't work or sleeping in his room. Don't nun work but drugs. Now getting drunk is optional. I get drunk to have fun because wen im sober its always depressing, overthinking, suicidal thoughts but i can't let my mother or my baby sister see that. The only reason why i won't kill myself right now is because of them and Asharie but shit changed. It hurt me alot when my baby sister only 5 years old know what's going on wit me. She came to me and asked me will that place make the old Darrion come back and i just stood there and couldn't give her an answer cse i really don't know myself. I promise to God i would never let a heartbreak pull me down to my lowest and that's where i went wrong at cse i was down at my lowest and i still am. Everybody get mad at me when i take drugs but won't shit change when im sober. "It's gonna be okay" "everything will fall in place" biggest lie ever. At tines im happy but sad moments last forever. I tried to stop poppin pills and getting drunk because i want a family one day. I want to come home from my job and kiss me wife and kids and then eat dinner and on the weekends we can go some place fun. I know its some kind of hope inside of me, im not dead yet. Say if i do get better and stop doing these things my mental issues still gonna be here. A couple days ago i ran out of medicine and i forgot the outcome of it. I heard voices, i seen things and i couldn't sleep or eat. All i could do is scratch and hit myself. Im not crazy and im not stupid but im 100%fine i don't belong in a crazy home but if i ever run out thats what happens. We all have problems and not just mentally.
