Peace [HS AU]

8. Camryn

Saturday Morning's have become reserved for Gemma. She tends to call me around 10 AM and either invites me over for a cup of tea, wants to go shopping, or get brunch.

Gemma has plenty of friends so I guess I never understood why she was adamant about being my friend. I have come to really love her, I'm not complaining. If I didn't have Gemma I'd really be alone in this country but I wasn't, I had her.

I decided to invite her for tea this morning. I wouldn't see Moira for a few days and I needed to get these thoughts out of my head before I combusted.

The three knocks told me she was here and I went to open my door. "Hi," she smiled holding a bag that said Barkers on it. "I thought I'd bring breakfast for us."

"That's great Gem, thanks, I was just putting the kettle on."

"You're becoming so British, I like it," she smiled sitting at the table. I still hadn't put the table runner from when Harry was here so I grabbed place mats, plates, and coasters.

"How was everything with Michael?" I asked setting our tea in front of us.

"Perfect! He said yes, so we're moving stuff this week. Perfect timing because his lease was up at his place."

"See, I told you it would go well, nothing to worry about with Michael, he's so in love with you."

"Anyway, tell me about you, I was shocked you called this morning."

"Shocked?"

"Don't take this the wrong way but you never initiate wanting to hangout," she shrugged seeming unbothered.

"What? Yes, I do," I said confused. I do, right?

"You don't and that's okay, You don't say much but I've come to understand you a lot over the past few years. I'm really okay with it, I promise."

"Well, I'm sorry for being a shit friend," I smiled weakly. She waved me off and urged me to talk since she could tell I needed to.

"Well," I breathed out nervously. I don't think I've ever really shared this openly with Gemma before and I was terrified but I trusted her. "It's my neighbor, he's kind of becoming my friend and I don't know how to feel about it. It's just, things feel nice with him and I don't internally freak out. He makes me comfortable? Maybe? I mean I don't really open up but I don't think he minds, he seems to enjoy my company and I really enjoy his. We went out to the pub a few times and one time he got really drunk, last night actually, and he told me he likes me and I don't know what this means? I don't do or at least haven't done relationships in over three years so it feels so foreign. Not that I even want a relationship right now but I find myself caring for him and his wellbeing and he has this stressful job and I think he's getting taken advantage of and I don't know what to do," I rambled and had to catch my breath at the end because I didn't pause at all in my speech.

"Wow," Gemma said with wide eyes. "So, you obviously like him and are feeling conflicted by this?"

I nodded swallowing and met her gaze.

"What do you want to happen? In a perfect world what would happen?" I was dumbstruck by her question so I just sat silent.

"I guess, we'd date and things would be okay. I'd open up to him and he'd open up to me and we would be together, I wouldn't be lonely anymore. We'd live happily ever after," I said with a small sad smile.

"What's stopping that from happening?"

"Well, I have this inability to open up about myself and well he'd get tired of that and leave and I'd be heartbroken."

"What if you opened up with small things? Like your favorite color, your love for coffee, those sorts of things? And only open up about everything else when you are ready."

"Sounds a little scary."

"Everything in life is, you have to decide if he's worth it. If he's worth jumping headfirst into your fears and praying he'll be there to catch you and do life with along the way. The good news is, you don't have to make a decision right now. Just keep hanging out and sharing little things about yourself. I think you'll be surprised by how good this can be for you."

I nodded ready to drop the conversation and Gemma understood.

"I'm throwing a small, very small, dinner house warming for Michael next Saturday. I want you to come and you can finally meet my brother! It's just us and he may bring a friend but that's it."

"Oh, um, okay. I'll be there. Should I bring wine?"

"Sure, my brother is bringing the dessert so wine is perfect. Okay, I should head out now but think about what I said, is he worth it? Something tells me we both know the answer to that," she smiled and gave me a short but tight hug before leaving.

I had so many thoughts swirling in my head so after I cleaned our mess from breakfast I laid back down and slept. This was so overwhelming for me and made me feel tired just thinking about it. Was he worth it?

In the back of my mind I knew the answer, that didn't make any of this any easier.