In the Absence of Light

44

guys 😩 im so sorry for the last chapter!! i didn't even post a warning or stay online for some emotional support. i literally just updated and left 😩 im so sorry!!! i hope you're all doing okay ❤️ i love u all and try to keep your head up, okay?? i know it's hard but everything will be okay in the end. i promise 🥺

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Ivy

I run the eyeliner pencil along the base of my eyelid, trying my best to stay as close as possible to my lash line. I already know it's going to be crooked. My hand won't stop trembling. I can't keep it still. I haven't been able to since yesterday.

Sure enough, when I lean back to glance at myself in the mirror, the wing is completely in the wrong place. It doesn't even look like a wing; it looks like a squirmy line a child drew. It doesn't look anything like the other eye, either. That one took me at least 15 minutes, and it's still not perfect.

I shouldn't have even bothered doing my make up today. I just wanted to do something normal—something I enjoy to make myself feel better. But I just feel even more pathetic than I already did.

I'm so tired. I don't want to be doing this. I just want to go back to bed. Everything feels so shitty.

I wipe the eyeliner off my face, covering the leftover black splotches with a layer of foundation. I look like such a mess. I drop my brush onto my desk and collapse back into my bed.

I'm not going to class today. I can't do it. I don't want to. I can miss one day. I'll just study from home instead. I can't skip group therapy again, though. Erin will drag me there. But maybe she's working today. I haven't asked. She was stressed out about her thesis last night, so I gave her some space. She's on campus now, meeting with one of her professors to ask for an extension.

I turn only my side, staring at the wall as if something could jump out of it at any second.

Isaac's on the other side of it. At least, if he's home.

It's strange to think that just three days ago, I liked having him so close by. I had wished there was no wall separating us. But now, they couldn't be thick enough. I wish I could replace the walls with a million miles.

I don't know what the hell happened yesterday. I didn't expect that at all. I was so happy. Our date went so well, and I was truly starting to like him. I thought he felt the same way. He asked me out first, and he asked me out again! He flirted with me, too. He agreed when I told him I didn't want to go home yet, and he wanted to kiss me more. Why would he do that if he didn't like me? He could've left at any time. Was he trying to lead me on? He seemed to care so much about me. He stood up for me to the frat boys, and he's been so considerate about my anxiety and everything else. What changed? I don't understand.

I'm an idiot. I fell for his stupid games, just like I did with Luke.

I hate this.

I've been holding back tears all night. I had a few small cries, but I'm trying not to get too worked up over it. It's my own fault. I let myself get caught up. I don't want to cry about this. I don't want to. It's too ridiculous. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.

I can't even tell my mum. I only just told her about our kiss! It's far too embarrassing. I feel so shit. I hate this so much. I even kissed him! I stepped out of my comfort zone! I opened up to him! And he through it all right back in my face.

God, I need to stop thinking about this. I already spent all night replaying the conversation in my head, I don't need to waste any more time on it.