My George

30th May

My George,

I was downstairs later than Fred today. sorting stuff out, and i came upstairs and Fred was on the sofa, his head in his hands. As i walked in he stood up. He closed the door behind me and stood against it. He told me to show him my arm. And i couldn't argue.

He wasn't mad. He held it, moving my arm carefully, before looking at me. He said again, and i nodded. He hugged me, he told me it will be okay, and i need to stop, for him. That you wouldn't be happy. and i guess what's why i haven't written anything. because you tried so hard to make me stop, and i did, and you were so proud... im sorry Georgie.

It's when it's dark, in the middle of the night. and it's cold and empty and i'm so so worried about you and i need some way to get rid of all the thoughts so i can function. and it sounds horrible and dumb that you were my way of coping. you were how i stopped, and now you're not here. So it's started again. I'm weak... but maybe i like it. because i had you. so that made it okay.

He says i need to stop blaming myself. He healed my cuts with his wand and told me he better not see anything again. He searched my room, and hid everything sharp, and then he lay down next to me in bed, and held me as i cried and apologised and told me it is okay. and told me that i need to stop, and that none of this is my fault.

George, he opened your draw. He opened your draw and took out a little box and told me that it's what you would have wanted, that it will help. He gave it to me and told me it's a promise ring. That it's too early for you for engagement, even though you wouldn't mind, so you got the next best thing. And i opened it and... god it's beautiful.

... it fits perfectly. Fred says you made it yourself. You got the little glittery sparkly stone and the wire and made it yourself. It's perfect. it's completely perfect and it's made me feel happier than i have in weeks. I'm never taking it off, ever :)

I wish you could see it on my finger. See how it slips on; and how it glitters in the light. How it looks when i'm cooking, or eating, or downstairs moving boxes around. Because you should be here to admire it. You should have been here it give it to me. So i could have thanked you and kissed you and could have held you, and you could have held me.

i love you George. i love you so so so so so much, you mean the world to me and i need you here. i need you to be okay.

i love you.

Ipheion