Heartbeats

Chapter 6

Him...

We don't talk about what happened the other night. Not that we have to. A high school English teacher would have a heyday interpreting all of the hidden meaning. Rather than let my mind run wild with the possibilities, I force myself to accept the safest possible explanation. It was just comfort.

I know it's a lie, of course, but it's easier to accept than the truth. She and I are a history of erotic experiences, and yet, somehow, this feels like the closest we've ever been to one another. This level of emotional vulnerability is too much, even for us.

She must feel it too because we fall into a habit of not touching each other. No exceptions.

It's like we collectively decide that simply being chummy roommates is where we will draw the line. What she doesn't realize is that no amount of distance is going to dissolve this rekindled flame. I am weak, broken even, have been ever since she ripped my heart out all those years ago. Life since us has been a mirage of little white lies I've told myself just to say sane.

If she only knew how very little it takes to open the floodgates of emotion I walled off when she said no to forever. Her hair in a towel. The melody of her singing off key to '90s pop as she folds laundry. Barging into my room overwhelmed in a fit of giggles to show me the latest viral video. Her insistence on running the hot tub in subzero temperatures.

It's all too much and not nearly enough—these stolen moments. And at some point I decide they will have to do. Once upon a time, I thought forever with her was the only way I could ever be truly happy. Now, I realize that every single moment with her, for however long, whatever the terms, is the closest thing to paradise I will ever find.

Her...

I was unfortunately prepared to fall in love with him all over again, like I ever managed to get over him the first time around. When he showed up at my doorstep over a month ago with sad eyes and duffle bag, I pretty well knew how this would go. What I wasn't prepared for was falling in love with his daughter.

One of the things that scared me most about forever with him was the fear of how inadequate I would be as the mother of his children. My confidence never wavered in his ability to be the very best of fathers, but in my dreams of the future, I always came up lacking. I've never been exceptionally maternal, even with my sister's kids, and I couldn't bear the thought of letting him down in that way.

Yet somehow, with her, it's natural. First, I find myself hesitantly nursing boo boos and stirring spaghetti-os, and next thing I know, I'm buying little purple jumpers and tucking her in at night with a kiss on her forehead. She falls asleep on my chest sometimes when she refuses to take a nap and I don't have the heart to let her go.

~*~

"Nini," I hear her bare feet smacking against the hardwood seconds before her arms wrap around my knees, pulling me into a bear hug as she presses her cheek against my thigh and beams up at me. They've been gone all day, off exploring Atlanta and undoubtedly spending too much money. The toddler has a sticky red grin on her face and her daddy is carrying a new stuffed animal to add to her collection. His smile holds the kind of pure hope I wish I could bottle up and save for a rainy day.

I swing her up onto my hip without so much as a second thought, laughing as she reaches out for her stuffed bear so she can show me how much she has her daddy wrapped around her little finger. He steps forward, presenting it to her as he wiggles its arms and legs, hiding his face behind it and morphing his voice to fit the character just to make her laugh. She reaches for the bear and hands it to me, eyes filled with joy. I don't even have time to pay her a compliment before she's got her arms wrapped around both of our necks, drawing us into a death grip of a group hug.

We're pressed up against one another in the hug I've been craving since we locked eyes the first night with no excuse to deny ourselves. His arms rest casually at the small of my back as my free hand wraps around his neck. I take three full deep breaths before I dare myself to drag my eyes to meet his, afraid of what I'll find and somehow unable to deny myself any longer.

"Wuv you." She coos into the space between us, oblivious to the palpable tension she's created.

I don't say it out loud, but my thoughts form an automatic reply that is perfectly in sync with his verbal one. "I love you too, baby girl."

The only thought I can formulate is that I would give anything for this to be forever.