A life worth saving

Chapter 2

It's so hard to find the motivation to pick myself up and continue my life. Most mornings I wake up and I'm either confused with the world, or I just try to convince myself it's not my fault, but it doesn't work.

I recently started taking these pills the doctor prescribed me, to try and help stop the flashbacks, and try to keep me calm, but I don't think there working. I'm depressed, lonely, sad, confused, and angry, for some reason, I'm angry at myself. I get very angry at myself for letting everything that has happened to me, happen.

I walk this road daily and wonder, when am I going to move forward in my life? I constantly feel like I'm living the same days over and over again. Wake up, try to stay as distant from the human race as possible, than back to bed. When I do encounter another, I just flash a smile and move on. Same as every other person I suppose

. I don't think anyone knows what I'm going trough right now. I am a 23 year old woman, alone, and confused. Normal people go out with their friends, and they have fun, and explore the world. Then there's me. Doing the same old thing every day. Most days I feel like I'm just taking up space on earth.

My doctor has been talking to me about going to a stay in, counseling. He insists that it is not a mental institution. I've actually been considering it. I don't want to be in this state of mind anymore. I don't want to be who I am.

I want to be strong, just like my father. I walked in the door and sat at the kitchen table, while going through my camera. I liked to take pictures of anything and everything. I used to go and take pictures of animals, until I started having flashbacks again.

When I would go and see any animal to take a photo, I would see Marks face. I remember when he would tell me than he didn't understand why my mother had me that she could have gotten an animal. It got to a point, that when he would tell me stuff like that, I would just agree. I stopped doing photography on animals and I started to take pictures of depressing things.

Like the peer when it was dark, a single tree, graves, and sometime me. I have a doctor appointment in about an hour so I should probably get ready. I walked over to the bedroom, and through on some jeans and a white plain shirt. After about thirty-five minutes of doing my hair, I went and got into the car. I started it and just backed out. Right as I was about to pull on the road, I seen a truck coming my way. I had to fight with myself to not go. I wanted so terribly bad to just pull out in front of the truck. I wanted to end all the appointment, all the memories, and all of the sadness. I took a deep breath and pinched my arm. I often do this when I'm flustered, confused, sad, even feeling alone. I drove to the doctors and waited in the waiting room. "Olivia" The nurse called. I stood up and walked over to her. She said hello, but I simply ignored her. I walked into the room and sat on the bed. After about twenty minutes, the doctor came in. "Hello Olivia." He smiled.

We talked about my mood, and how it may affect my health. He told me again about a clinic that he recommends. He has told me about this clinic for years and that I should really consider it.

I have never really thought about it. I had my mind set that no one can help me. No one will want to help me. No one is going to take an intrest in making me 'better.' I was the monster that Mark created and there was no cure for me.

I was indestructible. I built walls around my feelings and no one can tare them down, not even me. I am discussing and a monster.