the acts of falling in love

4

even though we were never supposed to be together'  i cant be with anyone else, no matter the consequence
- Nicole Gulla

maybe this book was your escape from reality, but in all honesty.. i wish you could've been my reality.

you spend all your days out with new people, yet its i who you return to each night to learn more about.

its an obsessive thought, knowing you know everything about me, every flaw, every fear, every mistake.. everything. when i would kill to even know your name.

smile for me, so i have that memory to hold on to forever.

everyday, i stare at you with glossy eyes forcing myself not to cry since i cannot physically hug you like it were my final days.

i wish we could take the word 'parasocial' out of our relationship but i'm afraid we cant. i'm just made up of words and you're made up of flesh.

every time you close the book, i cant help but wonder if its forever.

my dear, we have two halves of the same broken heart, but together, we could beat as one. if only this unknowing barrier didn't separate us.

one day, you'll fall in love with someone else; and ill be here, praying to any God that may exist that you'll open this book, read these words again and remember how great your love for me once was.

and as i watch that smile, or those tears form in your eyes as you read my story, i cant help but recall those beautiful eyes, that dashing smile, and the hands i've grown to love. i know it is you that i want, but i cannot have you.

at some point, you'll close this book and go on with your life. i'll still be here waiting though because, see, my life stops once you stop caring about it.

its everyday that i fear you will close my story and not open me again. i fear that i will loose you, the one thing that i love that keeps my chasing you through each page.

our conversations are always one sided. i wish you could say something back. i wish i could hear your voice. i wish so many things, yet i know none of them will ever be granted, because with each turn of my page, we get closer and closer to the end; the end of my story.. and the end of us.

my time here is worth it, but being stuck here is the price to pay to be with you right now. even if it meant sacrificing everything.

there is no word in the world that can accurately describe the happiness you give me. i love you, and i hope that you love me.. but all good things come to an end eventually.

the deeper you read, the deeper my love grows.

as you turn the page, we get a little more closer to the end. my heart fills with sorrow as it becomes clear to me that the last time we touch isn't far.

i know that you cant speak back to me, but god i wish you could. you're the only one that truly understands me.

every time you open this book, i'm here waiting. waiting for the day i get to embrace you for real, the day you'll get to hear my voice.

its somehow eerie and upsetting to think about the end. you will keep on living your best life, while mines on pause or may reach the end.

you get to read all my thoughts and i have to idea what you're thinking. its dishonorable and torture. tell me, when you think about me, am i just a character?

i know so little about you. i just wish there was a tale about you that i could read so that i could peer into your world and learn all about you; then we'd both alleviate and read about each other, oh, if only my dear, if only.

you think i'm just some words in a book don't you? you're probably confused on how to go about this because you're so attached to my tale and feel crazy; but we both know that at the end of the day, you'll cast me aside and leave me only with the memory of you. you will always believe i'm just a book, that i have no feelings. it saddens me to know that you think i don't feel, because i used to think the same thing. that my only purpose is to be a book for your amusement. then one day i had the weirdest thing happen. you came and opened my pages; a burning sensation that makes you long for the impossible. i was alive. in that moment i knew i did have feelings because the love i felt in that exact moment was outrageous; but like i said, no matter what i do you will always believe that i'm just another book in your library; but no matter what you do.. i will always feel joy knowing i'm your book, knowing i contain our story. even if you do acknowledge that i love you and i together more than words can describe. just know that i'm your book, and yours alone and we will both be at peace. my pages, my chapters and our story may end but our thoughts and memories will be limitless.