Before I Die

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Do you have any idea how it feels to know your world is ending, and you can't prevent it? To know that your baby sister will one day reach the age you never got to touch?

If your answer was no, then congratulations, you're one of God's favorites!

I wasn't that lucky.

The day it had all started was much like any other typical day, only it wasn't—typical?

I woke up early. My family and I had an early flight to my grandmother's that morning. It had to have been no earlier than four in the morning. I woke up drenched in sweat, something I had written off as just being too warm.

I took a shower, noticing how my legs in certain spots it contained rashes. It was a tiny rash, red. I determined it was nothing to write home about, so instead of giving it a second glance, I wrapped a towel around my body.

I continued with my routine making a mental note to tell mom I had to schedule a check-up.

By the time six rolled around, we were all ready to go. I vaguely remember my mom asking me to eat something before our travels.

In which my response was, "I don't know. I just haven't been that hungry."

We didn't talk about it anymore after that. We left the confinement of our home and headed for the airport.

I was so excited to finally see my grandmother it had felt like ages. I missed the way we could talk about anything and, she just understood. Not like my parents, they were always arguing and too busy fighting to even notice their children. Over time it's just something you get used to.

As we waited to board the plane, I felt like my body would give out on me. Not a normal feeling, but then again, I had missed dinner the previous night and declined the advances this morning. I placed my head onto my little sister's shoulder, taking deep breaths. Her big hazel eyes stared at me, examining my face.

She was only five, and she had the biggest heart I had ever seen. She acted as if she was a doctor, and I was her patient. Her tiny hand she held against my forehead, repeating what she saw my mother do to her. "You're burning up!" She exclaimed, causing me to laugh at her. Where she had heard that phrase was beyond me! My mother never said that she just feels and diagnoses.

"Mommy! Mommy!"

I watched as my little sister Hillary attempted to grab the attention of my parents. They were currently bickering over whether a tomato was a fruit or a vegetable.

"It's okay, let them finish talking—"

"No, you're burning up. You need some of the medicine mommy gave me to get rid of the fire."

"Fire?" I giggled.

"Yes, the fire in your forehead!" Hillary looked at me as if I was the one who didn't know what I was talking about. Her innocence was so pure. It was one of the things I loved about her. Her nature to help, I knew one day she would make a perfect doctor.

"Mommy! Mommy—"

"What?!"

"Femi!"

My mother's eyes filled with concern, and her hand replaced that of my little sisters.

"How do you feel?"

"I feel okay now. A minute ago, I felt a little weak." I answered truthfully. My mother watched me with concern.

"Are you sure because we can—"

"Mom. I'm fine."

She nodded at me, her eyes skeptical. I didn't want to give up this opportunity to see my grandmother.

It wasn't very long before we were allowed to board the plane. I held onto my little sister— she tended to wander. Being her older sister, it was my job to protect her.

As soon as we found our seats, I let out an uneasy breath. I was so tired, it didn't help that the seats were so comfortable either.

My eyelids were impossible to fight; that doesn't mean I didn't try.

"Femi," my little sister's hand tugged at my jacket, it wasn't hard to hear the concern in her voice, "are you gonna die?"

I laugh at her ridiculous assumption. I was nineteen and at the prime of my life. Undoubtedly too young to die.

"I know you didn't think I was that easy to get rid of, did ya?" I tickled her ribs, laughing at the smile that broke out across hers. "I'm gonna be here a long, long, long time. I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?" Her big hazel eyes stared into mine, tears on the brim of escaping.

"I promise." Our fingers locked, sealing up the deal between us two.

"Femi?"

"Yes?"

"Take this." She handed me her lucky bear, the bear that she never let go of. I questioned her reasoning behind it.

"It's to protect you and help you feel better."

I nodded in appreciation, holding the bear tightly against myself.

"Can I ask you a question this time?" I said, poking the tip of her nose.

"Mhm?"

"Why are you so kind?"

"Because it's not about the things you do, it's about how you make people feel." I wanted to giggle at the fact she recited what my mom had told my dad the night prior, but I didn't.

My heart warmed at what she said. Was it possible to look up to your little sister?

What she taught me that day was more than anything I had ever learned before.

"Well, thank you, Dr. Hillary. I think I need to work on doing that."

She smiled at me, a bright smile, "It's never too late to start!"

Little did I know the promise I had made my sister would be broken.. for it was a promise— I just couldn't keep.

I was diagnosed with Multicentric Castleman disease. A rare disease with no known cure. I was only nineteen.

And Before I die... this is my story.