If Only They Knew

Flashbacks

You don't understand
Cause if you do
I wouldn't be here talking to you
I wouldn't be crying
Picking my brain
For all of the words
That run away
I try and try
I'll try once more
---
Last time I fought
I was on the floor
Don't touch
Don't grab
Just leave me be
Regardless of my safety
You still hurt me
---
911
Call my mom
I'm so confused
Yet I risked it all
---
Dial tone- Ring
5 seconds then
Barricade the door
" Don't come in "
---
The heart it beats
But boy
Mine soared
Out of my chest
And
Through the door
---
" I'm sorry I hurt you "
" I feel so bad "
" I didn't mean to "
Are not words of a dad
---
I can't understand
Why I believed
That you would help, care and love me
But
Desire is Blinding
I wanted a dad
But
You were thirsty
And
Craved lust so bad
---
I was a child
Who let you in
Trust was something
I let you win
---
So 2am
I stayed up
Silly me
Was that enough?
I waited as you stumbled in
The new cologne
That smelled of gin
But
Silly me
Once again
" Are you okay?"
I let you in
You licked your lips
Like I was prey
But
Didn't touch at all that day
Heart was thudding
Threatened to escape
Close my door
" Please Please "
I pray
---
Wait - Come back
This isn't fair
That memory
Doesn't go there
For your 17
Just a child
But
Sins were there
And
Stayed a while
---
On and on
Yet here I go
Writing this poem
Like there's a hero
But
Only villains fill this page
As all the words are full of rage
---
It's been some time
3 months? How?
I think I am adjusted now
No hospitals
No Lies
No pain or suffering
So
I'll lay here
And
Think of nothing
---
But
Seconds turn to minutes
And I know I heard you right
But
You are my dad
So please don't touch tonight
---
3 months remember?
So now I'm all groomed
You prepared me for your feast
So lay back and let you
Seconds turn to minutes
1,2, and 3
Count how many breaths will he leave on me
4,5,6
7,8 and 9
I count any more
I don't want to be alive
But
10 comes
That wasn't so bad
He prepared you for this
Don't worry or be mad
1st time you say?
Did the movies lie to me?
Wasn't it supposed to be special or something?
So
Stop that little girl
He did nothing wrong
He'll pray in the morning
And you will move on
---
But
Special still it lurks
So it must be okay
He's my father after all
Aren't some of them this way?
---
Days turn into nights
5 of them they pass
" We can't keep doing this"
But
Those words never last
Sleep my body cries
Don't you dare get up
Tomorrow the sun will rise
And
You will face enough
---
The day I cried
Or
Was it her?
Did I say it wrong?
Why are you hurt?
He loves me!
He promised...
I'm his daughter
Was I too honest?
Don't worry
Don't be mad
I let you down
I'm sorry dad
I'll scream
I'll cry
I'll beg and plead
Why are they mad?
You didn't do anything
---
1 month now
No words exchanged
No good-bye text
Or family
2 months
And I'm no longer there
The plane ride was good
In case you care...
3,4,5
I met this guy
Things are okay
I wonder if you cried
6,7,8
9 and maybe 10
I still wonder
If I'll see you again
11,12 and many more
My eyes they open
And
There's the door
Stand up slowly
Uncover your ears
Look around
You're safe here
Breathe a little
Maybe adjust
Just a flashback my dear
You worry too mcuh