Journal Entry No. 1: Journal
This journal is velvety blue. Iisipin mo babae ang may-ari nito. Unfortunately, I am not. I was never picky but this particular journal is not easy having because I literally choose everything; every single detail of this journal is personally picked. Personalized by Personality. For this journal is a reflection of me.
On the outside, it did look soft. As soft as the clouds, as blue as the skies. But once you get hold of it, you will be surprised because it is hard... and heavy. Parang ako. Easy-going, laid-back... pero may suffering. I only look strong but in reality, I am weak.
The pages were white as snow, but every letters were neatly written colorfully. I used colored pens in writing as a reminder that my life was once black and white. That life may not always be black or white or grey. The sheets of the paper will always be white, like I will always be the same person when I woke up each day - but I refuse to be stained by black inks anymore. For now is the time to live in a new perspective. Life has colors. My life has more colors and more meaningful now.
I wouldn't be where I am today if I was not saved by her. Her. The mere thought of having her in my life is overwhelming. But reminding myself the she was never mine is overbearing. Bakit? Bakit kasi sa dinami-rami ng tao sa mundo sa kanya pa ko nagkagusto?
Let's talk about her some other time. Today, it is about you journal... and you are me.
A few months ago, I was lost. Not literally lost. I suddenly feel empty. I suddenly woke up one day that I am no longer the happy man that I was. I never judged someone else's feelings, neither question someone's mental incapacity, but there... right at that very moment, it struck me like lightning, mental illness do exists.
I was perfectly fine before I went to sleep. In the middle of the night, bigla na lang ako nagising sa sobrang kalungkutan. Madilim. Nakakatakot. Kahit kailan hindi ako natakot sa kadiliman pero sa mga oras na 'yon, binalot ako ng matinding lungkot. Lungkot na kahit kailan hinding-hindi ko na papangarapin ulit.
Am I stressed? No. Am I angry? No. Am I sad? No. I am very sure that negative emotions were completely voided in my life. I have a vow to always make people happy. Pangsariling pangako, pero kailanman ay hindi mapapako. Ayaw ko mabuhay sa lungkot. Ayaw ko na may nalulungkot. Maybe that is one fine reason why I have so many friends. Lahat ng taong nakikita kong malungkot, pinasasaya ko. Lahat ng nakikita kong malungkot, kina-kaibigan ko.
Then one day, where my life gets affected by the negative emotion that I never knew how I got, that single day that I decided to pretend that I am still me... one person changed my life. Her.
We were not that close. I just know her because she was my classmate. She is one of the smartest person I know. Baka kaya hindi kami naging magkaibigan. Because unlike the geniuses and brainy kids, she is happy. Always happy. Her smile can make the world shine brighter. Kaya hindi kami naging magkaibigan... because she is outstanding. She is intimidating. She is strong... a complete opposite of me.
Is it possible that I choose not to befriend one person because I feel intimidated by her presence? Am I jealous? Do I envy her? Kung ano man ang naging rason kung bakit hindi kami naging magkaibigan, nabago 'yon ng araw na malungkot ako. One, because she initiate the talk. Two, she approached me first. And three, she's so direct. Direct to the point where she sliced the words right to my heart saying I will be okay and she sees through me.
Gusto kong isipin na transparent ako. Kaso bumabalik ang tanong na kung ganoon ako ka-transparent, bakit hindi napansin ng mga kaibigan ko? Hindi ba talaga nila alam o wala lang talaga silang pakialam?
All I know is that where we started. She didn't stop that day. She never leave my side since that day. God knows how much I prayed for someone like her. Kaya simula ng araw na 'yon, I promise myself not to hurt her. I promise myself not to leave her. And I promise myself to love her until I took my last breath.
And you, Journal, can attest to that.
You are the great reminder of my second life. Your existence is a reminder of my life journey with her. You will contain what is inside my heart and take care of it for safekeeping. Because someone valuable entered our life now...
and we will never let her go.
