Day 8; Let's not be so mean

How do you become your own best friend?

How do I begin to love myself? What does love look or feel like?

I feel like a torn piece of paper with poetry on it. Let's take a step out of my head for a second. Let's be aware of our surroundings. Let's be grateful for the present gift. 

The Present gift=

A girl who runs away. She stops by a coffee shop in Downtown Frederick. She's wearing a bright multi-colored jacket. Her straight brown hair. She writes and writes in her journal. Any thought as free as a bird. Poetry flows out of her. 

She wants to move to Brooklyn, New York. She wants to cut and color her hair purple. She gets her Libra zodiac sign tattooed on her wrist by the one guy she's crushing on.

Hard. 

"You think you can do this for me?"

 I shove my phone screen in his face. He studies the picture for 3 seconds. Smirks and says 

                                                                                                                "Yeah for 5 dollars."

I pull up my sleeve and flirtatiously set my wrist on the coffee table. 

I smile really hard. "Deal"

Him and I are in his best friends living room. His best friend is sitting on the couch. One small, warm, and rusty lamp lights up his dark living room. Besides the fish tank that glows in the  far back right corner. 

my best friend laughs nervously.  "You're crazy Lydia "

"Yeah, so?"  I said nonchalantly. 

My pride is bulletproof at this point. I focused on his focus. I wander if he notices when I stare a little more than needed. I love staring at him. I love observing his face. His long eyelashes. His blonde tipped hair. His acne on his cheeks. His hand tattoos. His smile, his laugh, his personality and sense of humor. 

 I'm in his presence one again, absorbing his energy. He looks into my eyes and smiles.

I look down at my wrist and smile.

 I can't explain love. I just know it always overpowers anything negative you may feel or be afraid of. My best friend did caution me that I was acting crazy. but that's what people do when they fall in love with someone. All these crazy, out of the ordinary, impulsive, things. they go against that fear and believe in something better. 

Oh shit, I really do have to snap out of it. That shit happened like 5 years ago. Ever since I haven't felt like the same person. That experience changed me a lot. I hate to admit, nothing about the girl exists anymore. She lost herself 5 years ago and fast forward another 5 years  I still haven't found her again. what I once lost constantly becomes one more loss for me. 

Her mind is swallowed whole by her imagination. 

She's invisible to the naked eye. 

She likes to escape, but won't admit that. 

James 1:23-34 "For if you listen to the word and don't obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. 

Did I find her more than once and completely given up the responsibility to care for her every time? yeah. I did, AND STILL DO. WTF 

Fuck that. 

Lydia meet Lydia. Learn about her. Explore her soul. Grow her garden. Help her reap peace for eternity. Encourage her to never step away from God. We are always weary, lazy, and useless without him.  Did God create life for me to be a broken person living it? For right now, I guess so. and that's okay. that's my purpose for right now but I pray and hope that changes one day. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11 God has made everything beautiful for its own time. 

Lydia please don't hurt Lydia. She's sensitive and fragile. Just like  Ecclesiastes repeated; everything is meaningless-like chasing the wind. A soft breeze will make her wither and turn her body into dust again. 

The past really dusted me then so can you FINALLY PLEASE dust yourself off.