the killing of a sacred deer - carl grimes

XII

-

xii.

i am, i am
"because saints and sinners are quite the same"

-

The radio has remained silent.

Just my name, spoken once, is all that has been uttered through it. But it's enough. Enough to know that things have remained, enough that she knows me still even after saying we would be strangers.

Of course, we could not go back to how we were. Of course, we have come too far.

I'm almost giddy at that, relieved. We're not strangers, not enemies. We can't even try.

Although she has not spoken through the radio further, despite my multiple attempts after to regain her attention, I conclude that she must be busy and if I'm going to talk to her, I'm going to have to go straight to the source.

At least, that's what I tell myself. Part of me must admit that I simply want to see her. Thinking that everything must just fall into place. She has not rebuked me, she will listen this time. Our worlds will finally mesh. There will be no more friction, no war.

So, I leave.

This time, with my own father's permission. I'm not entirely sure what he expects of me.

I go with the intentions of ending the war with no more violence. No harm shall come to either side.

And I feel that swell in my chest as I drive away from the gates of Alexandria. Excitement. I get to see her. It had been much too long apart. I think part of the reason I finally agreed with my father's terms was because it meant I got to be in her presence once more.

It will be almost three months since I last saw her. I miss her like a hollow ache.

Everything is going to work out.

I'm sure of it.

-

Well.

I guess you can only be so sure.

I arrive at the Sanctuary, stepping out of the car with my hands out in a gesture of good will: that I am weaponless, peering up at the man on post. Gun aimed at me.

"I'm here to speak with Negan." I come as a friend. I almost add, but don't. Not wanting to sound cocky.

Next thing I know, two men are handling me roughly, dragging me in and shoving me to the dirt as the gate slams shut behind us.

"I said I'm here to speak with Negan-" I try to remain calm, knowing the last time these men saw me I was a threat and acting out will do nothing but cause problems, but Negan will come down and set everything right, tell them to get their hands off me and she'll lead me up to her suite so we can have... a nice chat. I'm not worried. Just annoyed. I almost roll my eye at how ridiculous they're going to feel when their boss admonishes them for their treatment of me.

"-Yeah, sure-On your knees!" I feel the muzzle of a gun shove into my back, forcing me back down when I try to stand.

"Easy." I warn, and then I try to remind. "I'm just here to-"