the killing of a sacred deer - carl grimes

VII

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vii.

it wasn't easy being happy for you
"i took the poison hoping you'd feel it, too."

-

She tried to kill me. Again.

She and her band of mutts rampaged Alexandria, releasing an undead Sasha from a coffin, and then eventually wrangling my dad and I up onto our knees.

She was all in my father's face and he made the mistake of swinging on her. She spat out some blood and sighed as her men struggled my dad's arms behind his back. "Rick. Ya big ol' dumby. Why do you always have to go and piss me off? You know I have a short fuse."

"Go to Hell." My dad sneered.

"Oh. Okay." She said, in a dopey-mimicky tone. Laughed at him. "Sorry, but I don't take orders from a little bitch on his knees... What is with you? I've tried time after time to take it easy on you but you don't seem to care. It's insulting. What happened to the blubbering Rick from show-and-tell day? I liked him."

Then a thought crossed her face, her eyes flashed to me, and she pursed her lips.

"Right. I remember. I was like Cut your son's arm off and you were like Ahh! Anything but that, sob-sob-sob, let it be me instead, I'm a snotty, whiny, baby back bitch."

My dad's face fell. Realizing what this meant. His one downfall. His hamartia. Me.

She had that whole persona again. The hand-me-down mask she wore. So unlike the girl in the woods. Here, her men surrounding us, it was quite clear she was untouchable. Thus, we had disobeyed orders and, in her opinion, deserved punishment. She would hurt my father in the only way she knew would leave a lasting effect.

"Please, no." My dad said, trying to be steady and resolute. Not lose his dignity crying once more at the feet of this girl.

She circled around, tossing the bat between her hands. "It's like you think you can pull whatever crazy shit you want and you think I won't do a thing about it. What? You think I'm some pussy that's all bark, no bite—I do bite. Do I need to prove that, again? Because-"

"-Leave him be."

"Don't cut me off. Oh. My. God. That makes me so mad, like, I'm not even joking it actually makes psycho-nuts-mad when people cut me off when I'm talking. It's like you want me to kill your son. You want your baby boy to die, Rick? That's messed up."

"Listen-"

"-Shut up. Shut the hell up, how hard is it that for you? What is it with you and pissing me off? Like, I'm trying to relax and take it easy on you guys but my period came this morning. I started my day in a puddle of blood and it looks like that's how you're all going to finish yours, huh? You little bitch?"

"I'll kill you." Dad said, which would only make things worse.

"Blah-blah. I've heard that before." She was standing behind me. Every hair on my neck stood straight, my breath shallow. Knowing what came after. "Unlike you, I'm true to my word."

"Please."

"Goddamn. Are you threatening me or begging me, figure it out." I felt her take my hat off my head, causing a waft of hair to fall across my face, and her fingers, dainty-light, don't even hesitate to brush it back from my forehead, crest the shell of my ear with such warm familiarity I can pretend for a moment she's not going to kill me. It feels like sorry. It feels like goodbye. For her to commit this touch in front of everyone yet it doesn't even hint at the truth of our relationship. But the fleeting feeling was incredibly brief and almost immediately next, I let myself experience the fear of it all, let myself be scared to die, before I shut it all off. I closed my eye.