Angst

5

I cut to focus when my brain is racing. I cut to make physical what I feel inside, I cut to see blood because I like it. I don't like to cut, but I can't give it up. It's addicting. Something I can't stop. Like I'm physically and mentally attached to that tiny silver blade. The urge, want, need to cut. And all I can think about is I deserve it. I deserve all of this..

Voice: "do it child. Just end it all. All the suffering will be over. You will not be missed by anyone. You are of no use to this world. No one will love you. No one will not even notice you missing. You're body will probably rott and decay. The smell will be the only thing they notice and will search for the answer to that smell. They will not cry for you. Just end this all."

I'm sitting on the bathroom floor about to feel sick. I'm not crying though which is surprising me. I just feel numb. The only thing I can think of is how I can finally end this all.

I grip that tiny silver blade making my hands bleed.

I think about writing a note, maybe?

Voice: "HA-HA-HA, a note? Are you serious? Stupid girl what do you not realise. No one gives a fuck about you. You have no friends, family, you only have me. Just do it already! You're giving me a headache!"

I look down at the blood flowing out of my hands.

"You're right." I say with a sigh.

"You're always right about everything."

I stand, walking towards the bath. Filling it up the voice speaks.

"What that's how? Ah I've trained you well. Yes, the smell will be worse and your body will decay. You will be floating in your own filthy whore blood."

I close my eyes, undress, and get in the water.

I gasp, a short gasp because the water is blistering hot.

Tears start forming in my eyes from the pain of that deathly water surrounding my skin.

Voice: "aw, don't tell me that hurts? Get the fuck over it. Just end your pathetic life already."

I lay there with clenched teeth. The water is already burning my hand from where I had cut it.

I slide the razor blade hard all over my thighs, legs, ankles, feet, inner thighs, blood mixing in with the water making it turn a pinkish color. I do it for a good 10 minutes until..

Voice: "good, very good. Don't leave any skin noticeable. Fill your fat body with cuts bitch."

I now move the razor to my stomach. Before I begin..

Voice: "FAT."

I blink my eyes and agree with the voice, not fighting back.

I slide the razor along my stomach pushing down hard. I begin to form the letters "F A T" on my stomach. The crimson blood flows out into the water now turning it a light red.

Voice: "proceed."

I inhale deeply.

Trailing the razor to my sides I begin cutting.

They are not neat lines, but different sizes of lines, deep gashes are now in my body.

Voice: "alright now end it. I'm tired of waiting for you. I have another soul to destroy after you."

Me: "I'm sorry other soul.."

I raise my left hand up out of the blood red water and lay it on the side of the tub and lean up.

I inhale deeply and grab the Exacto knife from beside me on the floor.

Placing the knife on my left wrist where my veins peek from under my skin looking like snakes.

I close my eyes.

Voice: "do it."

I swallow hard. And shake.

Voice: "DO IT NOW! BITCH!"

I slide it across my veins vigorously and watch as the blood comes rushing out. Each second I feel myself growing faint and numb.

Voice: "my job is done."

I look down at my body, the tub is a dark red, I'm covered in gashes from that little razor.

Realizing that the evil cocky sounding man in my head is gone I shakily move my bloody hand up to the wall next to the tub and write in my blood..

"I'm not sorry."