Perhaps Someday // The Sequel to Life Ends, Love Says

Chapter 4: My Fault

Joey's POV

2:54AM, my phone read, illuminating my face and the room around me with a bright light making my weary eyes spring to life with the blinding light in front of me. I let the light linger for a couple more seconds before my phone automatically shut off with a flash of darkness. Why is it that late at night, your thoughts become more severe, more emphasized? The weaker and sleepier your body gets, the more active and real your thoughts become. You can think of any situation and become glued to that mind set as if it was your real world. As if reality and the dream world somehow merged together to create a vivid imaginative state that you could not decipher if real or not.

My phone lit up again, this time with a buzz ringing through my thigh where it sat as I was watching the figure of darkness where Meghan lay in the hospital bed. I looked back at the screen, my eyes stinging with the brightness but I had no motivation to dim that light, maybe it was just another way to keep me awake. A name showed on the phone, Sawyer's name, right beside a tiny silly picture I took of him one day. I pressed the green answer button and breathed in before bringing the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" I whispered. I knew Meghan wouldn't wake, even from the loudest commotion in the echoing hospital, but it still felt right to respect her silence as she slept.

"Oh, hey man. I didn't think you'd answer at this time!" his raspy voice rang through the speaker. A girl laughed in the background to the sound of a muffled TV.

"Yeah... I don't sleep too much anymore." I replied heavily, glancing over at Meghan who of course hasn't moved.

A sigh was heard from the other line, finished with a slight click of his tongue, "You need to get some rest, Joey, this isn't your battle, and you need to remember that there will always be someone rushing to her side if something goes wrong.You have a life to live too."

"This is my battle. This constant struggle I face every passing day is my battle, and it does depend on whether I win or lose. Because if I win, I will have the most beautiful girl that I can take home once again, alive again, and if I lose, she'll be gone, out of my reach like she was before. I want to be that person rushing to her side, I can't amount to those two times I failed to be there for her. Just before she died, and just after. That is something I can never repay, but I can still try. And Sawyer, she is my life, she needs my support, my happiness, I need to be here." My whispers got increasingly louder until my voice broke out at the last sentence.

"Okay... Well I guess I was just calling to tell you I'll be stopping by at the hospital tomorrow to see you guys, I haven't seen Meghan in a while." I smiled but then instantly frowned, I had realized Meghan had received absolutely no visitors other than David and Kalel right after she died, I was all she had.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow then, bye." I said back.

"Go to sleep, you need it." He said, I pulled the phone away from my ear and as I hit the red end button, I said,

"I can't." I whispered as the call ended and I sat back in the silence that invaded every corner of my life. I thought about how it would be like to have Meghan back at home again. How long would it take for my depression to start fading away into nonexistent emotions? How long would I have to hide all the fake smiles and therapist appointments from her until I was completely mentally healed? How many times would I have to listen to that laugh or look into those eyes until I fell out of this, what felt like, never ending insanity.

But I also thought about what would happen if she was diagnosed with the colon failing cancer again. How would I be able to go through the same pain The screaming, the drinking, and the sleepless nights of it all, would I be able to re-watch that chapter in my life again? But the thought stressed me out, and everything was too damn quiet, and I couldn't think straight, and as I watched my phone's clock roll to 3:01, I felt my eyes quiver and close.