Save Myself // Larry Stylinson

Chapter 21

Chapter 21: XXI

Summary:

I AM SO SORRY.

I'm so so so so so so SO sorry that it took me this effing long to post this chapter.

Having said that, I really think you guys are going to like this one. Its a beast, but I hope that at least makes up for the fact that I'm a trash writer that has taken 10 years to post this chapter. I hope you forgive me!

xx
Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

———————————————————————————
Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

If Louis hadn't imagined what he'd heard last night, it meant he was totally fucked. Somehow, he'd fallen down the rabbit hole. He was so gone in this thing with Harry. It was nearly impossible for him to ignore now. Time and time again it just kept resurfacing and no matter how much he didn't want to deal with it, it was making its presence known.

It was there no matter how hard he tried to look in any other direction.

He was fucked.

He was fucked because try as he may to think about literally anything else, the instinct didn't leave him. He was fucked because he couldn't stop falling. For his entire life, Louis had done nothing but fight for control and fail to grasp it, and this was just another example. This was him losing yet another battle.

The worst of it was that he didn't have a clue how to do it. He didn't know if he could do it. There was a very real possibility that Harry would just be another thing he wanted that he couldn't have, another thing that he'd fail at. He'd already made so many mistakes. He'd already tried to break them so many times that he couldn't possibly trust himself to do it right. There was just no way that this was the kind of thing he was cut-out for. He was probably doomed to fail and the absolute worst part about that reality would be losing Harry. Losing him in all the ways he'd come to need him.

So, in short, Louis was fucked and his and Harry's days were probably numbered. Harry was going to either give up on him when he realized that Louis wouldn't give him the things he wanted, or he was going to try to give Harry those things and it wouldn't be enough.

Either way, he would lose Harry and that was the very worst reality he could have ever made for himself.

....

Louis was sitting next to Robin on the sofa, watching as Gemma and Harry sat in front of the Christmas tree, handing out presents as they read the name tags. He was nervous for the moment that Harry found the envelope with his name on it. There was a very big possibility that Harry was going to try not to accept it, but Louis didn't want that. He wanted to see Harry smile and say 'thank you' and then hear all about how excited he was.

Before that happened, Gemma picked up a small package wrapped in sparkly red paper and handed it to Louis. Harry smiled at brightly, gesturing for him to open it. Slowly, while everyone else watched, Louis peeled back the wrapping paper. A soft feeling he didn't recognize flushed through him as he looked down at the hard covered book he'd unveiled. Love is a Dog from Hell. It was his favourite Bukowski book. He looked up and met Harry's eyes.

"It's the first edition," explained Harry.

"It's perfect," said Louis, a smile set on his face. A fond smile. He couldn't see himself, but he was pretty sure that with the way Gemma was looking at him and Anne was grinning at him that he was giving himself away.