To My Dearest Y/n,
Do you know how much I love you? How much time of every single day of my life is spent thinking about you? I hope you had an idea of how much I cared about before you died. I never planned on falling in love, not as hard and as fast as I did that's for sure. You came into my life so unexpectedly and left it the same way. I don't blame you, I don't blame anyone for anything that happened.
I've spent the past few months trying to come to terms with the fact that there was no one to blame. I tried to hard to find someone, something that I could project all of this hurt and anger onto. I needed someone to blame because maybe then it would hurt less. For the longest time, after I couldn't find someone to put the blame on, I blamed myself. And so did your mom.
I went to see her a month after you died to say I don't know what. She told me it was my fault that you were dead and in a way I believed her. I was the one who asked you to pick me up and drive us to school. I was the reason you died. I spent a lot of nights praying to any god that would listen asking them to do something. I realized that something like what happened to you could've happened anywhere at anytime. That there is not a single place in the world where anyone is completely safe, for me this was the hardest part to get past.
But after I got past that, after I started to let go, the pain got easier. At first I didn't notice the incremental bits of weight being lifted off me until I thought back to the night it happened. When I thought about how much crushed I was then I realized how much lighter I felt. The night it happened I couldn't breath, I wished I would've died right there because it felt like too much to keep living. As I held you in my arms I wished I could've traded places with you. I wished I could take away all of your pain and just hold it because I knew I could handle it, you don't deserve to suffer.
As days turned into weeks turned into months, it started to fade. The throbbing in my head and ringing in my ears go quieter and softer until it was gone. These feelings that I thought were going to haunt me forever faded too, except for one, the love I have for you.
Y/n you changed my life. You showed me love that I thought I never deserved. I know that I told you this already but from the moment I met you I fell in love with you. It seems like I was moving too fast from the start and I thought that too, until I realized that when you love someone, you love someone. Why wait to be with the person you love if you know they love you too? People do far too much waiting. With all this waiting we do, you have to wonder how many things would be different if you refused to wait any longer.
I planned on spending the rest of my life with you, we would get married and have kids if you wanted. I was going to spend everyday making you happier than the last. Everyday I would make you fall more in love with me because I was already entirely yours. We would get old and be so happy with the life we had together, that we would be together again in another life.
I'm writing you this because this is my final goodbye to you. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable without you. I want to spend the rest of it happy because of you. I want to take in the air like you did, appreciate all the little things just like you. Because who knows when you're gonna die? Why life in fear of the possibility of death today or tomorrow when you could live in awe of the life you have right now?
I plan on loving you till the day I die, so when that day comes be prepared. Because when I see you again, I don't plan on ever letting you go. You, Y/n L/n, you're gonna be the death of me.
With Love, T.S.
~~~
I already left the letter for Y/n's mom taped to her door. I'm gonna leave hers on her gravestone at the cemetery, with a bouquet of flowers holding it down. If somebody ever gets lost in the sea of graves I hope that they'll read it and remember to appreciate life, even if in that moment they're surrounded by death.
