Here I was laying on my bed and smoking my life away one intake at a time.
I inhale the smoke from what's left of my blunt as time withers from my mind slowly and I get lost in thought while looking at the ceiling above me.
This was not how I intended for tonight to go. Over-thinking everything. I ash my blunt on the bedside table and leave it there going back to my previous position on the bed.
Over-thinking leads me into a depression I will stay in for several days because I often shelter myself off from everyone. I never want to hurt anyone or anything intentionally so I cause myself so much stress that it overwhelms me.
Things just haven't been the same for me since I lost my family due to a drunk driver two and half years ago.
The man that hurt my family got out with little to no injuries after killing my family and I found out where he lived a few months after he was discharged. No one ever suspected that it was me that put him in a coma in which later killed him.
No one ever found any leads against me for his murder because I cleaned up my tracks fled Los Angeles as quickly as I could. I just needed to get out and find my peace of mind.
Was I a bad person for killing the person who took everything from me?
A few months after I disappeared, I found myself in New York City with a different mindset and an even colder heart. That was until I met the love of my life with only being settled in my NYC for nearly eight months.
Shortly after, Ariana and I became friends fast and friends with benefits even faster. We just clicked.
She made all the anger go away. She was healing me slowly and I thought it was the same for her.
I never had the courage to tell Ariana what I did to that man and I hid my problems from her whenever I was in her presence.
I knew she was struggling just as much as me, with Manchester, Mac and her failed engagement with Pete, so I pushed all of my issues away to help her fight her demons.
That what I always did. I would fight other people's battles for them so I wouldn't have to face and fight my own. It always kept my mind busy, well she did. Now look where that has gotten me. Nowhere but by myself again.
Why does everything bad happen to me? Do I not deserve love or am I just meant to sit here and watch my life drift away from me?
How did I let the most perfect girl slip through my fingers and into the arms of a fucking unoriginal douchebag?
I gave her everything. She was my life, my happiness, and my reason for life. There was really nothing for me here anymore. I had no family and my "friends" were hers, so I'm sure I was made out to be the bad guy.
I know I wouldn't be able to stand up for myself due to my aggression in the past. No matter how much Ariana put me through I refuse to let her see that side of me.
I'm on the brink of a mental breakdown with no one to help me through it.
My thoughts quickly fade into black making my body lock up and the air escape my lungs. I try to sit up as I feel a heavy weight in my chest from my heart pounding a mile a minute.
No...not again.
I inhale deeply trying to get oxygen in my lungs which didn't help. My chest was heaving up and down as panic was stirring inside me.
