Spices

16 ~ I Was Right. So What?

I knew I wasn't right for her. I knew I would just fuck things up, fuck her over, fuck her up, fuck her. I always knew this but yet I ignored it. How could I have been so dumb? I realized I wasn't right for her, that I couldn't give her what she wanted in a relationship... but I still went for it... and I still got attached.

I ruined things for her.

All she wanted was a good relationship and I couldn't even provide that. All I could give was something physical... not emotional. I thought I understood that from the start but I got so blinded by the idea of being with her that I fucked up the act of being with her.

I'm stuck awake at night with these thoughts. They're keeping me up far more than I'd like to admit. But that's not the only thing keeping up, Hailey trying to sneak out is also keeping me up.

I stand up from my bed and move over to her room. Mine and her room are upstairs while my parents sleep downstairs. That makes it pretty easy to sneak out, tell secrets to someone on the phone without them hearing, watch porn without headphones and without them hearing ᴡʜɪᴄʜ ɪᴠᴇ ᴛᴏᴛᴀʟʟʏ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴅᴏɴᴇ, just makes a lot of things like that easier.

I stood in the doorway and turned her light on. She jumped out of fear and spun around to face me. "Oh thank god. I thought you were dad."

"Oh, did you want me to go get him?" I pointed behind me.

"No." She ran up to me and covered my mouth. "Shut up, I don't want to get in trouble."

I removed her palm from my mouth. "Well with how your going about this you're definitely going to get in trouble."

"I've never snuck out before, you expect me to be a pro?"

"No. I'm just saying." I shrugged. "I'll help you since you're so bad at it." I walked past her towards the window she was escaping out of before hand.

"Wait really?" She questioned from behind me.

I rotated my head to look at her. "Why not? If you get in trouble then I'd probably end up some how getting the blame thrown on me too. Come here." I waved my hand for her to meet up with me.

I taught her a few tiny tricks I'd learned over the years of sneaking out too. C'mon, I'm a teenager... you expect me to not sneak out every once in a while?

"Oh, thanks," she finally thanked me once I was done.

"Where are you sneaking off to anyways?" I asked my last question.

"Just Olivia's," she answered, glancing around the room slightly.

"Be safe then," I told her before leaving her room. I stopped in the doorway to whisper one last thing, "don't worry, I'll cover for you if mom and dad ask." I turned my head so she could only see half of my face but I was able to see hers.

"Thanks, Jax." She gave me a warm smile and for the first time in months... it had felt like I got my sister back, like we weren't still fighting.

I closed the door quietly behind me and moved back to my room to lie down. She's not going to Olivia's, she's going to meet Grayson. I already knew but wanted to see if she'd admit to it.

I heard her talking to both Wyatt and Olivia about how she was going to meet Grayson tonight. Talking about how she was going to sneak out. Her plan was totally flawed from when I heard it. It's her first time sneaking out ᴀɴᴅ ᴛᴏɴɪɢʜᴛs ɢᴏɴɴᴀ ʙᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ғɪʀsᴛ ᴛɪᴍᴇ sʜᴇ ɢᴇᴛs ғᴜᴄᴋᴇᴅ, ᴍᴇᴛᴀᴘʜᴏʀɪᴄᴀʟʟʏ ᴀɴᴅ ᴘʜʏsɪᴄᴀʟʟʏ.

And I know that earlier on I mentioned how I wouldn't be helping her when she came crying to me but... I wish I could go crying to her.

I miss Ana. I did the second I stepped into my car. I liked her. Well... I like her... I like her a lot. She was cute, she was funny, she was smart, despite her failing math grade. She was quite perfect. But I fucked things up.