sitting here with my best friend crying the fuck out right for sure wasn't on my bucket list.. but you know sometimes life happens and that's alright. it almost seems like everything good in my life leaves. but honestly maybe they were never good in the first place.
that relationship with Bryan became toxic. he threatened suicide if I did or didn't do something, he tried to control everything I did and contacted my friends with doubt in me many times. getting out of that relationship was one of the best things I did. and if it wasn't for my friends, and my cousin I would have never had the guts to leave. my parents found about all my social media and my relationship behind their back. they didn't make us break up, but I made a literal hell for my self for three months. grounded, lost their trust, lost friends because of it, but I fixed my relationship with the Lord and promised id never do it again...
you know my friends have been there for a lot.. I have three.. had three amazing best friends. the funny thing is I'm still so close with each of them individually but all together we aren't the same. this summer we went on a beach trip those three girls are my everything, they helped my through so much shit that I can't even repeat.
Hannah.. she's been there for like 4 years maybe five.. time flys with her she helped me through everything and ever since we met we had this connection I can't describe, its like no matter what she's there like no matter what. she doesn't know this but she saved me from suicide.. twice... she is about to find out when she reads this but that alright. we have so many inside jokes and sometimes me and Hannah drink mtn.dew and just do dumb shit because well we can.. and she gets me. like really really gets me. and I love her for that and everything.
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February 2nt 2020
its about a week later and I just didn't have ant motivation to start writing again.. truth be told this week has been so rough for me. it feels like I'm dying but I'm still here, I fake a smile and pretend I'm fine and nobody knows that I'm low-key slowly dying. I've never felt this way before, but it feels like you're in the ocean getting hit by waves and you're slowly getting pulled under by and every single wave that hits you hurts worse in worse until you get pulled under... and you can't feel anymore. no more gasping for air, no more struggling, no more thinking your going to die.. its just done and that moment before you die before you gasp for air in your lungs, that moment of peace after all the panic, that moment of feeling nothingness, that is what I feel right now.
so I don't want to just sit here and tell you all the shit going on because we would be here forever. but here is a little backstory on the past couple months:
