I feel so lost.
Waking up, and you're gone. It feels like forever since I talked to you. I can feel the cold breeze through my toes, and the cold sheets. I finally move, my eyelids too lazy to fully open, my body feels like it's live by itself, I feel like I've lost control. It's incredible how you hurt me, yet I'm still here, waiting.
You promised a lot to me, you promised many things. I still have the memory of you, telling me everything would get better. Although, I also remember you lied, at the moment I didn't even know, you said you loved me, you would be with me forever... you lied many times, saying I'm stronger than I think I am.
But what do you know? You didn't even know yourself. You didn't love yourself, why would you ever love me? I pour some milk on my cereal, I remember you put the milk first, it's always the little things.
Ever since you were gone, it feels like my days are a chain of sadness I'll never escape of, it actually makes sense, since... you were my escape.
I clearly remember once, I couldn't do anymore, unbearable pain chest, and i could hear my heartbeat, I was so lonely, and I had a panic attack, you were the only one to realize in that room full of people, and you turned me around, and hugged me like you didn't want to let me go.
Sometimes I pretend you're still holding tight.
You were the first one. You were the one who made me believe love was real, and somehow I deserved it. I believed I deserved your love... there wasn't love, to begin with, you always loved someone else.
I always felt your mind so far away, and incredibly smart. I'd pretend that your intelligence explained your lack of empathy towards me, clearly, that thought vanished when you met that certain person. You were always so harsh with your words; I used to make up excuses for you, trying to make myself believe you were sorry when you didn't think about it.
Sometimes, I wonder if you think about me. Do you? When someone mentions my favorite show, or when you're dancing to the rhythm of my favorite song, maybe when you do when you're alone in bed and you need to tell someone strange facts about the stars...
I planned so many dates between us, one of them was stargazing while reading our favorite books. I always had this little hope inside of me that someday you would change your mind, and grabbed me by my cheeks, and kiss me senseless. That... somehow, one day you'd find all my imperfections, just imperfections, and focus on the eager eyes to see what you have to show them and the attentive ears listening to everything you have to say because; I was the only one listening.
I don't feel this way about you anymore. You were so hurtful and vile. You were so scared of my feelings you felt like hurting me would push me away, you never thought I loved you so much... neither did I.
Love is such a strong word, was I in love with you? Sometimes I like to tell myself I just liked you because you were the only one to show me a little bit more attention... but I needed more attention, more than you permit yourself to give.
At least, until she appeared.
She was everything I wasn't, she was this ray of sunlight in the rainiest day, she was pure happiness and bliss, exactly what you wanted. She had a lot of confidence, dashing enough to be her first admirer but not bold enough to be the center at the dancefloor.
I was looking at her with you in the corner, talking about how I shouldn't be so nervous at parties. You were so pissed, sad, that I cried at parties, I was always so close to revealing my feelings for you, but I'm not courageous enough, I've never been. Even though you were dying to dance with her, you stayed with me, listening to all my complaints, hugging me to make me feel better.
You never had double intentions, or at least not that I'm aware of, maybe you needed me to feed your crappy ego, but you also were there for me and I'll never forget. You hold a beautiful space in my heart. All hearts are differently broken, for different reasons.
In mine, just a little piece is missing, and that's you, my beautiful escape. I wish I could say I wish you alright, but I'm a little too selfish for that. I hope you miss me.
Sincerely yours,
Andrea.
__________
God, this feels a little too personal, but it's a little letter i wrote for a person I miss. You can change my name to Jughead or Betty instead... hehe. Bet you didn't even realize it wasn't Bughead until you read my name.
This was me playing with monologues, even though I can't imagine saying all of this out loud, so I guess it's just a soliloquy.
Stay safe!
