I miss you

stupid, stupid, stupid

I don't want to fucking miss you. It's so damn time consuming and I really hate it. I hate the slight butterflies I get in my stomach every time you text me, I hate that I even get butterflies anymore. Hell it's been 11 months shouldn't I be over it? Maybe I should but I'm not. I crave your attention and subtle affection. The rare but sweet words when you tell me how pretty I am or that you love me. I miss our late night conversations about anything and everything. I miss your hair and your eyes and the way your voice sounds when your sleepy. Sometimes before I go to bed I turn my ringer on so id be woken up by your messages or calls. I'm pathetic. Just pathetic. I feel the need to cry always gently poking me in the back of the head when we hangup the phone and I don't hear your voice on the other end anymore. Just the dim silence of my room.

When I sleep my heartbeat lives in my pillows. Dull and aching for you. After sleepless hours of replaying and over analyzing every single word we exchanged I'm finally lulled into sleep by my tired eyes and sad heartbeat, and the promise that I'll get to see you smile again tomorrow

That's what fucking gets me every single time. The fact that I shouldn't even miss you. I talk to you everyday, there is nothing to miss. Maybe not constant conversations but it should be enough. It should be enough for me to not constantly feel the ache of your absence even when your there. Because your not even fucking absent. Your always there in the back of my head (not literally but you should get the damn point). It is literally impossible not to miss you. Everything about you just makes my head all fuzzy and I melt with every word you say to me. I swear you could yell at me about how shitty of a person I am and id still find something to love. Thats also a problem, you would never do that. Your to nice to me for that. Every word you say is laced with sweet sincerity, and I can't help but fall for you all over again.

You've fallen for me too. I've heard you say it multiple times but I know that you haven't fallen as hard, and probably never will. Knowing you feel the same way just kills me even more, because I know youre all mine and I'm all yours. I know having that fact tucked away in my head should make it better. But when I think about it my head goes all fuzzy again and I start to think "if im his why not cuddles" and I fall into the numb state of missing you even more.

I swear you should hear the way I talk about you to my friends. There fucking sick of me from how much I talk about you. No matter how much I talk I still find other little details to point out to them, like how your voice goes a bit higher when you say "I love you". Or when your voice turns sweet and soft when you beg me to give up another hour of sleep for you, and I always do. I would give up anything for one more hour of sleepy conversations at midnight. I probably always will.

I'm doing this because all these thoughts finally got to jumbled up in my head and I needed to get them out. I'm better now, but one text from you and I'll be a mess again. Until then I'll settle into sleep, waiting for tomorrow when I see your name pop up on my phone