I miss you

i love you...right?

Part of me wants to throw this all away. Just delete all my feelings. I'm scared that someone's gonna find out how pathetic I am for you. My friends know of course, but not all the little details. They don't know that I'm so in love with you that I'm in physical pain. My friends have no idea of the splitting headaches I get when I think about you to hard. They're clueless to the fact that I lose sleep just wishing you were with me. God forbid they find out that just the thought of losing you makes me sick to my stomach and tears sting the backs of my eyes. I try not to imagine it often but I'm an overthinker. It's what I do best.

I talked to you today, briefly as always. It was the usual hour conversation. We talked about anything and everything trying to fit as much as we could in that hour. You said we could try and call tonight, but I know you. I know your promises fall through and that you sometimes fail to answer my messages.  I'm not mad about it. I've gotten used to the pain in my chest between spaced out replies to make calls that never happen. I'm just used to missing you now. It doesn't make it hurt any less though.

It wasn't always so bad. When we first met I didn't care if you answered or not. I hadn't fallen for you yet. As the days went by I started to check my phone more often and turning the ringer on when I was busy so id never miss a message. Then you said it, the three words that pulled me into this mess. I had officially fallen to the point of no return.

I remember the night perfectly. Every detail, every word thay passed your lips. It was cold outside and I was snuggled under my blanket just drifting into sleep when you called. I picked up the phone with a sleepy "uh hello". It was unusual for you to call without a text first or prior plans. Then you said you just missed me and all suspicion left my mind. We settled into a conversation about school. Since we attended different ones it wasn't to dull of a  subject. We soon moved off the topic and onto a different one, then after we exhausted that one we moved on again. After hours of talking the call settled into a sleepy silence. Then out of the blue he said it. Shattering the calm we had before. "I love you" he had said. I was stunned into silence for a few moments, unable to process the importance of his words. He loved me? I should say it back right? I don't wanna dissapoint him. I'm gonna say it back. The disbelief soon faded and a smile came across my lips. "I love you to" I said giddy with extreme happiness, finally happy to have someone care. Then the moment passed but the smile stayed. It refused to go away. No matter how hard I tried it always found its way back onto my face, refusing to let me forget the words. We stayed on the call until we exhausted every subject we could think of to its fullest extent. Then considering the late hour of 4:18 a.m we finally said our goodbyes. And I fell asleep with a smile still plastered across my face.

By moring the fuzzy happy feeling inside my head was gone. I regretted it. I started to second guess those words that had fell out of my mouth so carelessly the night before. I tried to justify it in my head. I wouldn't have said it if it wasn't true...right? Right? Or was a just so desperate for affection from a guy that seemed to care that I just threw the words at him in hopes that he'd stay. I hurriedly pushed that thought out of my mind. I love him. I can't lie to him I have to mean it. I repeated the words in my head over and over till they didn't make sense anymore. I love him...right?