Helvitas - Helene and Avitas (An Ember in the Ashes Fanfiction)

Rewritten

Helene Aquilla didn't go to the Moon Festival. After tireless months of serving as Empress, of nights filled with painful memories of her family, of beautiful green eyes and rare smiles, her life had become more hollow and empty than ever before. There was no one and nothing stopping her from drowning in an endless pit of masked emotions.

It was not as if there was anyone left in the mortal world who truly cared about her. No one who loved her like Livvy or her mother or her father had. Like Avitas Harper had. Her loneliness at that moment was a testament to the fact.

No one had come after her when she'd fled to the barren lands surrounding Nur, and no one walked beside her now as she wandered those lands, finally allowing herself to indulge in her thoughts. It had been her first moment of physical solitariness in months, though the loneliness she felt inside never truly left her. It had been quieted by the duties she had as Empress and the voices of the court, but now it was loud and raging and fueled by the open and utter desperation of her thoughts.

The Empire had prevailed through the war in the Sher Jinnat because of her and her friends. Because of Avitas Harper's sacrifice. In the past months, she had ensured that it would remain strong regardless of whatever malicious forces dared approach it in the future. But through the war, she had caused the deaths of thousands, both directly, and through foolish errs. And now, she deserved to die, not only for her sins, but also for her virtues.

She deserved to die because a monster like her had no right to live. And she deserved to die because the world of the living had no place for her. Because she wished to escape the pain that sliced through her mind sharper than any scim. Because she had been trained and beaten so thoroughly that physical pain could no longer distract her from her sorrow.

She was suffocating in her loneliness, and instead of wanting to escape the tightness in her throat, she wished more than anything else that it would hold true to its attempts to destroy her.

She had spent long nights slicing into her skin, experimenting with knives, daggers, and scims alike. But when she did, she felt nothing at all. And within minutes, the scabs were healed.

The attempts only brought her more despair, but though she felt like falling to the floor and sobbing like a child, the Empress was required to remain calm at all times.

And so Helene went over her current situation clearly and calmly. She went over what her family would tell her if they were still with her, and made the clear and calm decision that it was only fair for her fate to match theirs.

"Helly, why are you out on your own? Come dance with me." Livia would say, bright eyes twinkling in the moonlight.

Helene withdrew one of her scims.

"You must come back to the festival and address your people." Her father, ever practical, his words stating concern for the Empire while his true concern lay in Helene's wellbeing.

She brought the scim to her throat.

"Helene, we must fix your hair and get you into a suitable dress."  Though Helene was a warrior through blood and bone, and didn't care for femininity, her mother always remembered that she was, in fact, a girl.

Helene pressed the scim into the soft skin of her neck, drawing blood.

"Helene's just trying to get our attention." She would have to apologize to Hannah when she saw her again.

She dug the scim deeper, starting to bring it across her throat.

"You shouldn't be without an escort, my love." Harper would have followed her no matter how much she protested. Why hadn't she thought to follow him to death sooner?