Amour - A Jemily Fanfic

Chapter 10...

TW: Brief mention of ab*rtion & s*icide

Emily's POV...

As I walk away from JJ, the grief I've repressed all week hits me like a freight train.

I can't bring myself to look back at her – I know if I do, I'll come apart.

I can't believe I let myself develop a crush on her, it's childish: a crush. But that's what it feels like: butterflies in my stomach and sweaty palms when she looks at me, a sudden rush of happiness on the rare occurrence she would flash me a smile.

I was never much of a daydreamer, but I've suddenly found myself drifting off, on the jet, in a taxi, in my apartment when I have nothing else to do, thinking of what it would be like if she liked me too. It's silly really, the only thing I don't find myself doing is writing 'Mrs Emily Jareau' with little love hearts in the back of my journal. I know she'll never like me like that.

I'm so stupid.

I duck into the closest empty room, shutting out the commotion behind me; I just need a moment to collect myself. I slump into the chair placed across the room and throw my head back against the wall.

This is the first time I've had time to think all week, the first time I've been alone to process the news from the Diner. I wait; for tears to come, for helpless sobs to spill out of me, for me to collapse to my knees and beg for me to take his place.

None of that happens.

Instead, I sit silently in the dark. I sit and stare at what I can make out of the door. I sit alone, waiting to feel something but it never comes. I just feel numb.

When light creeps through a crack in the door I don't even notice it at first, my mind is completely blank, my brain not taking in any information from my surroundings.

"Prentiss?" A distinguished voice comes from the opening, "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," I reply, "oh my god, this isn't your office is it?"

"No... but I saw you sneak in here and I wanted to make sure everything was alright."

"Well, everything's fine," I say and stand – I'm not sure why I'm expecting one of the top profilers to believe me, but Rossi hasn't exactly been the warmest of people so, I'm hoping he'll let it go.

"Emily," I'm taken aback by the use of my first name. "If you don't want to explain then that's fine. But if you do I'm right here." He says this slowly like he's talking to a child, comforting them after a nightmare.

"Um... my friend." I clear my throat, "Alex, my friend, he's dead."

"I'm sorry for your loss,"

"He killed himself Dave." He stays silent, waiting for me to continue. I don't say anything.

I clench my hands together in an attempt to stop them shaking and I take a deep breath.

"We moved around a lot when I was a kid, it was hard to make friends." I can hear my voice shaking but suddenly I find myself telling him everything.  "He was the only person who fought to stay in my life, he was always there for me."

I slouch onto the desk, scared my knees will give way if I continue to stand.

"He helped me through my abortion."

"Was he-"

"No. But he was there with me through everything. He-" my voice catches in my throat and I take a deep breath.

"Emily you don't have to..."

"Alex saved my life... and I couldn't save his."

I feel a tear roll down my face, and that's when I feel it: the guilt.