Strings

Tying the Knot

Spencer sat on the subway alone that night, his mind swarming with thoughts of you. When he saw you smiling earlier today, he knew he never wanted to see it fade, and that he would do whatever he could to make sure it stayed like that.

He loved you. There was no denying that. He felt horrible that you thought he didn't love you because that was the farthest from the truth. He needed to tell you how he really felt. He couldn't live with himself otherwise, knowing that you thought he really meant it when he said it was just sex. It was never just sex, at least not to him. It was never just anything when it came to you.

That night, he decided to write you a letter explaining everything. He came to the conclusion that it was the safest option, and if things went in an unfavorable manner, it was the easiest medium to recover from and pretend nothing happened.

So, that's how Spencer found himself sat up at his desk all night, crumped paper littering his floor, as he tried to pour all his feelings for you onto a piece of paper. Needless to say, he didn't get much sleep that night.

The next morning, Spencer gently placed the cream envelope on your desk, fiddling with the corners to make sure it was noticeable. He looked around the room, feeling his heart rate increase. How would you react? Would you throw it away and never talk to him again or would you realize that you love him too? Spencer told himself he would be okay either way, so long as you knew how he felt. He didn't want to hide his feelings from you. He knew you were it for him, and he would love you for the rest of his life. And if he would have to hold his unrequited love for you for the rest of eternity, he would do so happily, knowing that he was honest with you and gave it his all. He couldn't live with himself, thinking you didn't know the extent of his feelings for you. Trying to calm his nerves, he ran his thumb along the pads of his fingers. Not wanting to be here when you read the letter, he heads to the bathroom when he hears the ding of the elevator.

Taking a deep breath, you walked into the bullpen. You had already survived one day of heartache, what's one more? Sure, with every breath you took, you could still hear Spencer's last words to you piercing your lungs: "I didn't mean it. It's just sex." And every time you closed your eyes, you were met with his cold, rigid frame walking away from you, as if you meant nothing to him. Which apparently was the case. How could you be so stupid and think he actually meant it. But, it doesn't even matter now, because no matter how much you want to blame this on Spencer, you can't. Yes, he broke the rules, but you were the one who left. You were the one who took a heat of the moment slip up and blew it out of proportion and pushed away the one good thing in your life.

When you got to your desk, you threw down your bag, grateful that Spencer was nowhere to be seen. Although, you would lie if you said you weren't a bit disappointed. As you took out some paperwork from your bag, you noticed an envelope sitting on your desk next to a stack of papers. You felt your heart clench, instantly recognizing the handwriting your name was written in on the back of it. Slowly, you wedged your finger under the flap, breaking the seal. You pulled out the slightly crumpled lined paper that looked as if it had been read through a hundred times already. Letting out a small gasp, you fell into your seat, scanning the room for Spencer. Not seeing him anywhere, you held up the letter with shaky hands, your watery eyes pouring over every word.

(Y/n),

Throughout every book I have read and paper I have written, words never seem to fail me, that is until it comes to you. No matter how many times I try to write this, it still doesn't feel good enough. I have read countless stories about the triumphs and tribulations of love. I have tried finding a single one that could capture even an ounce of the love I hold for you, but they all fall short.

I think that's because, when I read the words that surround me on these dusty shelves, I am reminded of all the things I love about you. Ask me to find a poem about your beauty and I can do that with no problem. Ask me to find a book about how it feels to kiss you and make love to you, and I can reach for one without leaving this chair. But, ask me to find one that perfectly explains why I love you, and I would not be able to.