Kurt Cobain Imagines

A Piece of Hope

"Are you ready to go see Uncle Kurt and Bean?"I asked my son, Jayshaun, as I unbuckled him from the back seat of the car.
"Unca Kurt!" Jayshaun shouted excitedly, as I gathered him up and carried him towards the front door. "Daddy, I wanna play with Bean, okay?"
"Of course we'll play with Bean," I answered as I rang the doorbell. "She'll be excited to see you." Kurt had been busy and it had been a while since we'd had a chance to visit. The winter wind was bitter cold and I pulled Jayshaun close to me to shield him from it as we waited.
A moment later, the door swung open. Kurt looked tired. His body seemed even more frail than when I'd seen him last. His blonde hair was disheveled and he hadn't shaved in a few days. His clothes were messy—ripped jeans and a flannel shirt that had seen better days—although that was nothing unusual.
His blue eyes were the same—piercing, intense, beautiful. His smile was empty, at first.
"Hey, Darren. Come in, man." We stepped inside.
"Unca Kurt!" cried Jayshaun, reaching out his arms.
"Hi, kiddo!" Kurt exclaimed, and his smile immediately became genuine, his blue eyes filling with light as he reached out for my sweet adopted son who had become as much like family to him as he had to me. "Give me a hug."
Jayshaun practically leapt into Kurt's arms from my own and I chuckled. "I missed you, buddy. How are you doing?"
"I'm good!" Jayshaun exclaimed confidently. Kurt and I both laughed, exchanging glances. He was so wonderful with children. They brought out a genuine happiness in him that I hadn't otherwise seen in a long time.
Kurt was my best friend, ever since our elementary school days when we were just two lost kids trying to fit in. Sometimes it was surreal to me, that this person I had known forever was the same guy who played sold-out shows around the world, who graced magazine covers and MTV and unfortunately tabloids all the fucking time.
Sometimes when I looked at him, I still saw that sweet blonde-haired child who was kind enough to eat lunch with me at school, and play with me at recess when no one else did. I saw the guy who was there for me when we were both gangly, awkward teenagers, navigating our way through failed relationships and heartbreak. We had always been there for one another. Kurt had a big heart. If anything, he felt more than one human being could contain. He was quiet and reserved, hidden under a rough exterior. And he was dangerously prone to self-destruction. That was what kept me awake at night these days.
I'd known Kurt was a genius for ages. He was never without a notebook, always scribbling. Art and poetry just spewed out of him. And from pretty much the first time I'd ever heard him pick up a guitar, I knew he was insanely talented. We used to sit and listen to punk rock records and he'd daydream about having a band someday.
Kurt deserved every ounce of fame he had achieved. He just didn't deserve all the bullshit. I worried for his kind, humble, sensitive soul that he desperately tried to hide behind layers of clothing and sunglasses and liquor and drugs. Too many times now, he'd scared me half to death.
We never really talked about it though. We always skirted around the issue. I wasn't one to lecture, and I had my fair share of demons myself. I just tried to be there for him as much as I could, and hoped desperately that it would be enough.
"Daddy! Look at me!" Jayshaun shouted gleefully, startling me out of my thoughts. Kurt had lifted him high in the air, spinning him in circles as he pretended to fly.
"Wow! Look at you go!" I exclaimed, smiling at the two of them and quickly blinking back tears that I hadn't realized had formed in my eyes.
"Do you want to go see Bean?" Kurt asked Jayshaun.
"Bean!" Jayshaun cried out excitedly.
"Let's go! She's in the living room." Kurt led the way from the foyer to the large space where Frances was sprawled out on a blanket on the floor, toys strewn about. Kurt gently put Jayshaun on the ground, helping him remove his coat, and he bolted over to his friend.
"Hi, Bean!" He exclaimed with a wave. I was lucky to have such a happy child. He brought so much joy to my life. Frances glanced up at him and immediately grinned, with those bright blue eyes that were so much like Kurt's. They settled down to play together with some building blocks.
I smiled at Kurt, who was watching the two of them play together, obviously caught up in the moment and away from his own demons.
"They're such good kids," he said to me, with obvious pride for his little girl. I didn't care what anyone said. I knew he loved her more than anything. "Anyways, man, have a seat." He motioned to the couch. I took off my
coat, tossing it aside and taking a seat next to him. "How've you been?"
"Oh, you know. Same old, same old. You?"
"Never ending bullshit, like always," he answered darkly. "It's good to be home for a little while though."
"I'm sure. Bean definitely seems happy."
"She's always happy," Kurt answered, smiling over at his little girl.
"Is Courtney around?" I asked, figuring I'd at least say hello to Kurt's wife.
"She's out today," Kurt answered shortly. He didn't elaborate.
"Oh, okay," I answered without pressing him. I had suspected something might have been going on with their relationship from our recent phone exchanges, but Kurt was rarely one to elaborate about such things.
He folded up his small frame on the couch and reached in his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, perhaps the most benign of his vices. He pulled one out, lit it and puffed in silence— typical Kurt fashion. I caught myself staring at him, wondering how such a disheveled, seemingly wreck of a human being could possibly be so beautiful. My heart swelled with adoration for him. I fought back a whole sea of emotions I wasn't supposed to feel. He was my best friend. He was married. I couldn't ruin those things.
We sat in comfortable silence, just like old times. Despite his distant and sometimes moody demeanor, I always felt calmed by Kurt's presence. Maybe it was just that I knew he was safe because he was right here with me, or maybe it was something more than that.
He finished his cigarette, glancing back and forth between me and the kids across the room.
"Sorry, Darren. I'm just really tired today," he said heavily. "I'm going to go make some coffee. Do you want some?"
"I'm good, Kurt. Thanks though."
"I'll be right back." He left the couch and headed for the kitchen. I watched the kids as they played happily, building a high wall with Frances's blocks.
"Daddy!" called Jayshaun, suddenly running towards me. "Daddy, look! We built a castle!"
"Wow, look at that!" I exclaimed. "Very cool! Great job!" I scooped him up onto my lap. "Are you having a fun time today?"
"Yes, Daddy. I love playing with Bean. She's my best friend for-EVER!" I chuckled and looked over at the sweet little girl, who was investigating a blue building block, alternating between trying to add it to the wall and chewing on the corner of it.
"How are you doing over there, Bean?" I called to her. She grinned at me and I could see so much of Kurt in her. I waved and she waved back, blowing kisses at me afterward. She was such a sweet little girl.
Kurt returned with his coffee, sitting it on an end table before walking over to Frances.
"Hi, Bean!" He exclaimed, smiling at his little girl.
"Dadada!" Frances exclaimed, grinning even more broadly. Kurt dropped onto the floor next to her.
"Who's my little bean?" He asked, beaming at her.
"Me!" she proclaimed loudly, pointing at herself. We all laughed. She looked around at us all, grinning broadly at the attention she was getting.
Kurt scooped her up and kissed her on the cheek.
"Daddy loves you SO much!" He kissed her again. It melted my heart, seeing the two of them together.
"I love you!" Frances proclaimed, grinning at her proud dad. He was trying to hide it, but I noticed the tears that had sprung to Kurt's eyes.
"Do you want to play some more so that Daddy can go talk to Uncle Darren?" He sat her back onto the ground.
"Okay!" She answered happily. Kurt stood and returned to the couch, where he picked up his coffee mug and settled in next to me.
Jayshaun stayed in my lap, snuggled against me, as I watched Kurt. He stared almost blankly down at his drink, stirring absentmindedly. His handsome face was contorted into a frown, his brow furrowed. Something was obviously upsetting him.
"Jayshaun, why don't you go play with Bean some more, okay?"
"Okay, Daddy!" Jayshaun agreed, scampering off to his friend.
"Kurt, are you okay?" I asked gently, after Jayshaun had left.
"I'm fine," Kurt choked out, in a tone that assured me he wasn't.
I slid over closer to him on the couch, until we were nearly touching.
"You know you can talk to me, Kurt," I said softly.
"How do I protect her, Darren?" Kurt asked quietly, his voice strained with pain. "I mean, how can she possibly have a good life with me and Courtney and all this constant media bullshit?"
"Kurt, you're such a good dad," I answered gently. "And you know I'll always be here to help out with Frances. Whatever you guys need." I placed my hand on the center of Kurt's back, rubbing gentle circles. He stared blankly at his coffee again, eventually taking a small sip. He took me by surprise when he lifted his head and looked me straight in the eyes, his striking blue eyes filled with so much pain.
"Everything's fucked, Darren," he said quietly.
"What do you mean?" I asked, wondering if he'd elaborate. He was silent for a moment.
"I thought I was doing the right thing, you know? Starting a family, marrying Courtney..." I just listened as he paused and thought for a moment. "We're constantly analyzed like fucking lab rats... the media's fucking version of our lives is spewed out for the world to see. It takes its damn toll on us both. We were happy... once."
"Oh, Kurt," I stretched my arms out, embracing him in a friendly hug. He leaned his head against my shoulder, and I rested my head against his. My heart raced, being this close to him. The smell of cigarettes mixed with his cologne was somehow an intoxicating scent on him.
I wondered if he'd ever noticed, over all these years, that I had feelings for him. I wondered what would have happened if I hadn't been to afraid to admit it to him when we were younger. Maybe things would be different now. Maybe I could have made him happy. But now he was with Courtney, and they had Frances. And clearly another scandal was the last thing he needed at the moment.
I willed my feelings away as I encouraged him to keep talking to me.
"Courtney's cheating on me," he blurted out quietly. "Like, openly," he added. "All the fucking time." He paused for a moment. "I did it to her, once... it was just... it was stupid. And I feel horrible about it... but her... I don't think she feels anything."
"I'm so sorry, Kurt," I whispered softly, hugging him more tightly. I hated her for hurting him like that. What kind of monster would want to cause such a beautiful soul so much pain? Kurt wasn't perfect, and I knew it. But in my eyes, he was everything. If only I could let him see it. "She doesn't deserve you," I added nervously.
Kurt raised his head and looked into my eyes, and for a second I swear I saw him think of me as more than a friend. Our gaze lingered on one another's, his expression a mixture of longing and intense sorrow.
"I can't divorce her," he said, barely above a whisper. "I can't do that to Frances. And the media... can you imagine the fucking field day they'd have with that?"
"You deserve to be happy, Kurt." He shook his head as he looked at me, his expression pained.
"They come first. Frances and Courtney. They'll always come first."
I glanced over at the kids. They were happily playing, oblivious to the two of us.
My eyes locked on Kurt's again and I felt like he was staring straight into my soul.
"Your happiness matters, Kurt," I said softly, barely above a whisper, as I leaned closer to him. My lips brushed against his. They were every bit as soft as I imagined they'd be as he responded and kissed me back gently.
When we pulled apart, I felt like Kurt was seeing me for the very first time. A small smile played on his lips despite his still troubled mood.
"Someday, somehow, everything will be okay," I told him, staring into his eyes. "I promise."
He stared back at me with an expression that said he believed me. And right now that was all I could ask for— a little piece of hope.