clouded ~ billie eilish

chapter 15 ~ complications

hold on to ur fucking horses babes.

songs for this chapter:

i exist i exist i exist - flatsound (this is literally billie in this fic bye)

//billie//

monday, september 25th

10:32 am

Here's the thing; people believe what they see.  I learned at a young age that appearances are deceiving, and a few years later I found that could be used to your advantage. Show someone what they want to see and they're like putty in your hands. Alternatively, show someone half of the story and, if you do it well enough, they'll assume that's all there is. Of course this is a double-edged sword. Let them catch a glimpse of your weaknesses and it could be deadly. 

While Chase sleeps next to me, I try to compose myself. I'm out of my element and I can't let it show. I meant what I said last night, that this is special and I'd be an idiot not to see that. That doesn't mean I'm not uncomfortable. 

I've gotten used to the feeling of not knowing where you are, those first few seconds of conciousness where my mind races to remember where I'd fallen asleep the night before, but today the room is familiar. The walls here are white and crisp, too perfect and clean to belong to me or anyone from the road. The brightness of the room makes me wince. The familiarity frightens me; it makes me want to jump out of the nearest window and run until I can't stand, but it all makes sense once I lay my blurry eyes on her. I know this place. I'm safe here. Vulnerable, but safe.

Chase is just a smudge of darkness beneath the white comforter, Domino a black and white ball of fur curled up at her side. The bare skin of her back is warm when I fit my body to hers and I wonder if she would burn through me if I lay here long enough. It's a risk I'm willing to take. Her back is a map of freckles and tiny spots that I trace as I mull over last night. Before we finished that second bottle of champagne and melted into each other on the couch, she'd told me she would come work for me. It seems too good to be true now that I think about it, or maybe too true to be good, but that doesn't subside my selfish hope that she will still want to today. She's been all too easy for me too fall into and that's saying something. It scares me that she's slipped past all of my defenses, but nothing about her makes me feel like I've made a mistake. 

I watch her for way too long and right as I catch myself being too much of a god damn sap she rolls over and into my arms. Her eyes flutter open for a brief moment to connect with mine, then she nestles into my chest with a soft hum. I try my hardest not to move while she rests so I don't disturb her peace. Usually staying still is horrible for me, but I could get used to this.

Even thought it's eating at me, I resist the urge to ask her about The Chapel until we're out of bed. Biting my tongue isn't really my thing. I ususally can figure out what people need to hear, what they want to hear. I'm no expert on this shit, but I don't think that would work for me here. Chase isn't some puzzle piece I can to turn until she fits where I want her. She's real, all too real and it scares me more than I care to admit. She means something to me. I have to fit myself to her if I want her around, file down my rough edges until they're touchable. It's daunting, I hadn't planned for her to sneak up on me like this. Real feelings are delicate. I don't want to fuck up her headspace with poorly-timed questions, and I really don't want her to see how fucking nervous she makes me. Maybe it's obvious, but this shit isn't easy. Caring for someone like this is challenging, it's difficult. Who would've fucking guessed?

"What is it?" Chase asks from the stove when she catches me glancing around the room for the nearest available substance. All I want right now is to hide behind the safety of a cigarette. I attempt to dismiss the question, but it's obvious Chase doesn't buy it. She just sits down at the kitchen table and sips her water while she stares right through me. Once again she proves that she won't fall for my bullshit. Now that she's gotten closer to my innermost layers she'll notice when I hide behind my exterior. She's observant, I'm sure she's already figured out the differences between Billie at The Chapel and Billie in real life.