clouded ~ billie eilish

chapter 17 - ripple

hi all. just a heads up: i am v inspired by the incredible work of @/officialpastabake (as we all are...a literary GENIUS) aaand i am humbly going to use her idea of incorporating music into the reading of this book (with her permission, of course!)

here r the songs (please. listen. it'll be cool):

massage situation - flying lotus (DON'T START YET...i will tell you when)

HNSCC - the 1975 (queue this. pls.)

one more thing: pay attention. ;)

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//chase//

I have to give Billie credit. This is uncharted territory for her, and if she's overwhelmed by our newly cemented relationship it certainly isn't showing.

My head was spinning when I closed the door behind her on Wednesday morning. What was supposed to be a Sunday night celebration of her new position at The Chapel had somehow turned into a three-day-long date during which we'd cried together, laughed together, painted together and, oh yeah, confessed our love for one another. I'm deliriously, ridiculously happy, and I'd be lying if I said that it doesn't scare me half to death.

It has occured to me that everything is going so well, maybe too well. I'm so easily swept up in Billie's stride that I've forgotten to question whether this might be happening too fast for her, for the both of us. After all, isn't that how half of relationships go? Blissfully easy and perfect in the beginning until it suddenly isn't anymore? 

Despite the past heartbreaks that come to mind over the week, I find myself reminded that there's something about Billie that's different. She's done more than let me sleep in her bed, but she's opened herself up to me in ways I don't think she has before. I've heard her poetry, heard about the girl whose heart she broke when she left home, I've held her while she cried in my arms and told me she wants to love me how I deserve to be loved. The ways in which she's revealed herself proves to me that she's serious. Whats more is she's handling our arrangement so well I hardly have any time to be worried.

During the week her affections and enthusiasm never so much as waver. Even though she's busy with work she texts me throughout the days to update me on the little things; she's been sleeping decently, she loves me and her first big paycheck arrives on Friday, an annoucement she accompanies with a dozen moneybag emojis over iMessage. What's more, she goes above and beyond to make me smile during the week. When I mention that I had a rough day on Thursday she takes the time to to drop off cupcakes before her shift at the club. As Whit has mentioned to Billie before, sugar is truly the way to my heart.

Billie looks adorable when I spot her out the window, dressed head to toe in black sweats with a tough girl look on her face while she holds the box of pastries. Her hair is freshly dyed and darkened for the upcoming weekend, navy blue under the Thursday afternoon sky. As soon as I open the door, that tough girl face is replaced with a smiley warmth. "For your sweet tooth," she greets me with a kiss. The only sign of distress I can pick up on are the bags under her eyes. 

"Yeah, I'm looking for some adderall," she confesses when I ask about work and runs a hand through her hair, "busy fuckin' week." Even then, her actions are far from concerning. She stands on the stoop talking with me about nothing and staring up at me with smiling, puppy dog eyes until I have to remind her to go to work. Even then she's in no rush, taking the time to steal a few more kisses before she slips away. My heart swells with every gesture of her affection, easing my worried mind and ridding me of all my doubts.