The Dead Scout's Handbook of Afterlife Survival

Chapter One: Cayden Caldwell

Under the frost of a harsh winter, in the quiet hospital of a quiet town, Cayden Caldwell arrived on day 280 exactly. At nine pounds, he wailed upon entering the world as most nine-pound humans do. Two parents greeted him and saw to it that the nine-pound person departed the hospital to flourish in a normal home.

Though as the child grew, he didn't feel so normal: he distanced himself from strangers which his mother assured him was good and proper. Akin to man and animal alike, distance spoiled to fear, and he withdrew into blankets and sweaters and whatever else might be worthy to withdraw into. His fears festered with his environment.

After years of long days, short nights, and dangerous caffeine consumption, his father moved to a faraway place, leaving Cayden with only an unsatisfying explanation. His mother stayed, suffering what she described as a chemical imbalance in her brain. So with one person to converse with--who smiled less with age--the boy stopped speaking altogether.

One day, his father flew all day from across the country (or perhaps even the world!) to visit the boy. Upon seeing his only son buried alive by blankets, under the glow of a television, the father took action.

'Confidence comes from knowledge and acknowledgement,' he told his son. So, as the boy ripened to ten and a half years of age, the father enrolled his son in the Scouts. Yet, forced interaction with the other children didn't yield any result. Team activities unfolded before his passive stare. Sports were a free for all. Lectures bored him and helping the elderly terrified him. In a final, desperate attempt to fix his son, the father gave him an assignment: if the Cayden earned a merit badge, he could leave the Scouts. So Cayden consented, for a few weeks of awkwardness seemed preferable to years of being tied down by a hundred knots he didn't care to learn. The Scoutmaster assigned the first task.

To start, Cayden mastered the ancient skill of hand-written letters after the Scoutmaster found a pen pal in Wyoming. The pen pal was a Scout named Charlie, and with some faux pas common for kids of that age, Charlie became the boy's first friend. With the determination of someone twice Cayden's age, he learned to communicate with strangers, and after months of work, the boy gave his first speech to the other Scouts. Engulfed by the applause of the ten children and the static-laden cheers of Charlie on speaker phone, his father presented the Badge of Communication. Upon receiving it, Cayden Caldwell understood the joy of working with others--a lesson he would not soon forget.

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"There ain't a cage in the whole world that can hold a squirrel."

At the age of five, Cayden's little brother, Toby, believed in the Easter Bunny, Santa, and believed not a single word that just came from his older brother's mouth. Still, Toby's wide eyes tracked the streak leaping from branch to branch with renewed interest. In the end, Toby's fascination was all Cayden wished for.

Cayden pointed as it lunged between trees in the dilapidated playground behind their apartment. "Look at 'er go! See, she's looking for acorns to save for the cold months."

It was twenty below freezing.

Cayden had managed to entertain his step brother with nothing but a window and a squirrel for the past five minutes while his wife and two closest friends finished the last match of their online game. The final gunshot rang into Cayden's earpiece. A voice followed. "Lieutenant Parts, why?"

"Because it was boring!" Cayden whirled to the television and shouted into his microphone. The three scowling faces on the screen were unmoved. Yet, the fury in all six eyes and every event (most of which had been Cayden's doing) couldn't change the undeniable fact that it had been, indeed, quite boring. Cayden sighed and sauntered back to the couch.