The sky spiraled above him. He opened his mouth, but could barely register the sound. His limbs flailed, looking for something - anything - to grab onto as he plummeted down. Tommy's curls flew up around his face as the ground cracked, crumbled, then vanished right below his feet. His heart was pounding louder than his drums ever had, his ears feeling like they were about to burst from the sound alone. He tried in vain to scream, but to no avail - there was no ground in sight, the free fall was endless.
A slight yelp emerged from his mouth as he jolted up - sweat sticking to his face, breath uneven. Tommy pulled the blankets closer to himself, trying to replicate the warmth he needed. It had felt so real - he could have sworn he'd been pushed. He still felt the cold, clammy hands shoving his shoulders, the helpless scream, the endless fall - it was like his brain loved to torture him, in some form or another.
He let out a whimper, trying to even his breathing. No less than a year ago, he'd lay his head on Nikki's chest, listening to the bassist sleep. Or, when his boyfriend was awake at that time of night (which was far more common) he'd curl up in his lap, legs draped over him and arms wrapped tightly around his waist. He inhaled slowly - it never got easier. Months had gone by, yet he always in the back of his mind expected Nikki to be near him.
It felt foolish to say it, but Nikki had become part of him. Tommy didn't know how to deal with the loss; how does one deal with losing the person that made them whole? The one that makes feel like the most important person on the planet? He sniffled, immediately hiding his face in his pillow. He reached out to side that used to be Nikki's, hoping - praying - for some warmth. Some comfort.
All that met his fingers were the cold sheets - not even the blanket was on that side. He inhaled deeply, inching closer to the pillow. If he looked closely, he could see the part in the middle where Nikki used to keep his head, the indent remained prominent. He sat up, cheeks still puffy, and laid his head on the pillow that used to belong to his love. He hadn't dared till now - he wanted to keep things the same. Make sure the love of his life recognized everything in the room, no matter how much time had passed.
Now, the only thing he wanted was familiarity. He fumbled with the drawers, finding a letter Nikki had left him. For when it's too much.
*
You're stronger than I ever was. You've made it this long without me. If I had to go this long without you, I'd go crazy. Hell, I don't think I'd even survive. Breathe for me, okay angel?
Writing this letter, I miss you too. Even though you're asleep next to me, even though I could just put this away and crawl into your arms, forgetting all of this. The worst part is, I know I could just leave it, but this needs to be done. We've reached a point where we need each other, and I can't just leave you in case I do what I'm afraid I will. So here I am, writing to you, not even sure if you'll open it.
But, this has to be done. It's for you, and a little for me. It's so that I know you'll be okay.
It was the week we'd met, you remember that? You were a starry eyed kid watching local bands play as often as you could. I was angry at the world, but only because I thought it owed me something. It never did - the world was here first, it owes me nothing, yet, I demanded something anyhow. You can't have forgotten that first week - I was never religious, but that first week, I was sure that god himself had sent you as some sort of punishment, perhaps for doubting him.
I don't know how much the scar on your hand has faded - I don't remember when it happened, but I distinctly remember biting you, as hard as I could. You told me I resembled a german shepherd, with my hair the way it was. The booze, the drugs, the rage - they all mixed together, and I bit you. You think I'm a German Shepherd? I'll show you a German Shepherd.
