Paperthin Hymn

Chapter Three

CHAPTER THREE

My appa was a math professor at a university, so he was always busy. When he came home at night, leather briefcase in hand, there were papers to grade and lessons to plan. On weekends he crashed, waking up to eat once or twice.

I didn't really spend much time with him, but somehow we were still close.

I remember sneaking into his study once. I wasn't allowed in there without permission. Usually I was very obedient and understanding. For a six year old. But that evening I wanted my appa.

Remember how sometimes as a kid you would get an ache of loneliness, not knowing why? How your omma would be right in front of you, but somehow you missed her so much you thought you were going to cry?

That was how I had been feeling. The quick kiss to my forehead as he went straight from the door to his study, never even making eye contact, had not been enough.

At first I was only trying to see him through the door's keyhole; but as I leaned against it to get a better view it opened a little. The door hadn't been completely closed. I couldn't resist the urge to sneak in.

I got down on my knees. Barely breathing, I slowly pushed the door just enough for my head to get through.

The room was decorated in warm colors. The walls, painted a deep gold, were lined with filled bookshelves, paintings of Arthurian themes hanging where the shelves ended. A small fire crackled in the brick fireplace; out fox terrier, Jack, was taking a nap, curled comfortably on the leather sofa. On the coffee table were four old copies of National Geographic, two dirty mugs, and my favorite book in the whole house; the giant, gold-trimmed book of fairy tales.

I gazed at the volume in longing, then remembered the mission at hand. Operation Sit By Appa's Legs Without Him Noticing.

He was bent over a stack of papers, one hand on the back of his neck, the other scribbling rapidly. He never looked up from his work. I took that as a sign that I was still unnoticed.

Slowly, never taking my eyes off his face, I crawled on all fours towards him, as quietly as possible. Inch by inch, carefully, imagining my hands were marshmallows.

Halfway there my nose started to itch. I held my breath, panicking. I was going to sneeze! I covered my nose with my hands, trying to stifle it. Instead my sneeze came out sounding kind of like blowing my nose. I froze, watery eyes wide.

Appa never looked up.

He must not have noticed. But as I trekked onward, a small smile played on his lips. His paper must be funny, I thought. I wish he would read it to me.

I had almost made it. I beamed, victorious. He couldn't see me now that I was right in front of the desk! I had done it!

"Seung-hyun."

The pit of my stomach turned cold at my appa's stern voice. I glanced around in fear. What should I do?! I decided to stay where I was. Maybe he only thought I was there.

His chair scraped against the hardwood floor. Oh no! He was coming for me! Panicking, I laid down on my stomach and covered my head with my hands. I squeezed my eyes shut.

I felt his steps come closer. I cracked one eye. His church-style shoes were right in front of me.

"Seung-hyun, what are you doing?" His arms folded across his chest in his scary scolding pose. "You know you aren't allowed in here when I'm working."

Too ashamed to look up at him, I studied the crimson and gold patterned rug, tracing a golden swirl with my finger.

"Son." His left foot started tapping, like it always did when he was waiting.

"Yes sir," I mumbled. "I know."

"Then why did you come in?"

The rug was more interesting than I had ever realized. I thought I could make out the shape of a bear standing on one leg.

"Son."

I glanced up at him, but quickly averted my gaze. He looked mad. My eyes started prickling. I hung my head lower and just shrugged. A tear slid down my cheek.

Appa was silent for a moment. I could feel him watching me, evaluating. I pretended not to notice.

"Well then."

I squeaked as I was suddenly lifted up. Confused, I looked into his face, afraid of what I would see.

He was smiling, his dark eyes now warm. "I was almost done anyway. Want to read a story?"

Surprised and overjoyed, I thew my arms around his neck and wrapped my legs around him, squeezing tight. "Yeah!"

He laughed, deep and gentle, hugging me back.

We sat on the couch, Jack resting his head on Appa's knee, and read out of the giant fairytale book, his left arm wrapped comfortingly around me, my head leaned against his chest. Just like I had wanted.

　 That memory played in my mind as I stood in the dark kitchen, watching the answering machine's blinking red light.

I don't want to hear it, I thought. I don't need to. It's pointless.

But for some reason I found myself pressing the play button.

"Seung-hyun - " Appas voice blared from the speaker.

I jumped and forcefully pushed the pause button. Why was it so loud?! I turned down the volume and hit play again.

"Seung-hyun. I know you don't want to talk to me. But please call me." He sounded...tired. Older. Sad.

My chest ached with longing, and for a split second I wanted to. I wanted to call him and -

No. I pulled my hand away from where I had unknowingly placed it on the receiver. He's the one who left. Remember that.

I stared at the phone a moment longer, then went upstairs to bed and slipped into a dreamless sleep.