Train Love

Chapter 7

Same train, same compartment and for my worse the same seat. After a year and a month I'm traveling in the same train in which I met him. But the travel is now not to chennai. It's to Tirunelveli, my hometown.

As like then, the seat opposite to me is empty. I dont know why my heart still searching for him after an year. My heart beating so fast in the thought of who gonna occupy my opposite seat.

In every station my hope getting high and high. I couldn't stop myself from expecting the man who occupy my heart to occupy this seat. My nails will sure curse me if it can for how long I'm biting it. I'm nervous. My eyes going forth and back to search him in thousands of people rushing to get in the train. The train starts to move from the station. I felt like I'm lost again.

But...

A few seconds later...

I can feel someone sitting opposite to me. I dont wanna turn immediately. Because my heart is not strong to accept whatever the fate gives me this time. It's been my habit of expecting him in my every travel and then crying alone because I dont have that luck to find him.

Slowly I turned my head but my eyes are focusing on his toes. After taking a deep breath I slowly raised my chin up to look his face.

Do you know?

Do you know how it feels...

how it feels when your expectations breaks into nothing other disappointment?

Do you know how it feels when you wanna meet someone so badly even you know that not gonna happen?

Do you know how it feels when your mind can't compromise your heart?

I can feel all those feelings right now. Yes, right now, seeing the man...

the man opposite to me...

the man who opposite to me is not the one I'm expecting to meet. It's like a betrayal. God betrayed me. I wanna curse my fate. I dont have any luck to meet him for this long year. Why I didn't ask his name then? Atleast that would help me to find him... at least.

To not show my tear up eyes to others, I averted my gaze to window. I can see two trees wanna touch each other but couldn't because the wind speed is not in it's favor. The wind for tree is like my fate. I can see the lonely moon seeing the east side with anxiety to meet the sun.

Why are you following me?
To tell me that we are in same situation, right?
I know already... go away from my vision.
I know we both wanna meet our sun but see the fate... You can't see the sun now but however you gonna meet him tomorrow morning. But me...?

I laughed at myself being a stupid to speak with moon. How can it reply to me. And expecting to meet him now... is that a good thing. No...never. My life gonna change in two days. Just two days.

To divert myself from falling deeply in this sad thoughts, I plugged my earphones on and put the song in top to play. In theses long days whenever I hear this songs I felt sad. But today... its just tearing my heart.

Kannil oru valiyirunthal kanavugal varuvathillai
(If the eyes ache, dreams will not come)

Yes, I couldn't dream about anything other than only dreaming about him for the last one year. And now this song again gives me those memories of struggling to sleep and how I woke up with the painful dream of couldn't meet him.

The pain in my eyes is not because of him or anyone. It's because of me. Only because of me. Even my mind says that I can't find him,my heart never believed it. And my eyes searched everywhere, anywhere possible. Then it will get tired and force me to let out my feelings through tears. That tears also shouldn't seen by anyone, it should hide from the world. Crying deeply without making any noise, controlling your sobs without reaching any ears... do you know how hard it is? I know... and my pillow knows the pain of my eyes. Crying under my pillow becomes my night routine.

Vaanam engum un bimbam
Aanal kaiyil seravillai
Kaatril begum un vaasam
Vasam vazhkai ilaye

(Throughout the sky, there is only your image,
But I cannot touch
In the wind, there is only your sweet smell,
But the smell isn't just real life)

I can see his image again and again in the sky, in the moon, in everywhere but not in real. It's must be dramatic to whoever hear my story but it's a pain in my heart. I used to hear songs heal me but now it tears me up too much. I stopped the song because I couldn't bear the pain anymore.

I wanna walk now. Just wanna go anywhere. So I went near to bathroom. There...

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This chapter is full of only her emotions

It may not be so interesting
It just her feelings