Money, Power, Glory || Shawmila [Completed]

5. Insecurities

Four days had passed since that night, and Shawn was aware that he was undeniably acting like a kid. Camila's silent leaving had disturbed him more than he wanted and he kept wondering if it had something to do with him. Didn't she like it? That was improbable, the way she moaned and repeated his name almost like a prayer had made him understand otherwise. Shawn wanted to convince himself that Camila probably had a big commitment that morning and couldn't stay there with him. At least that was an excuse that didn't make him feel like a complete loser, but after all he knew the reality was a different one, he just couldn't figure out what it was.

All those doubts and uncertainties had made him nervous and his mood was the worst. As the days went by, he had also developed a slight grudge against the girl, trying to avoid her as much as possible. He showed up for Criminal Law class a minute before it started, to avoid having to chat with her; when he saw her walking in the distance he accelerated his pace and mingled among the crowd of students assembling the corridors; he made sure he never crossed his sight with her own and deliberately ignored Camila's nods to greet him or to get his attention. He knew it was a ridiculous behavior and frankly he was shocked at himself. Usually, he wouldn't even notice that a girl had left his bed, but for some reason still unknown to him, Camila's actions had hurt him. They had certainly slapped his pride: being rejected - albeit indirectly - is not pleasant to anyone, but Shawn felt that on that occasion his feelings had also been wounded. He could not define yet certainly what kind of emotions had been hit, but one thing was certain: they were new to him. He was annoyed by everything he was feeling, not because he thought the feelings were something negative, but because they were making him more vulnerable than he should be. He felt hurt and angry, and his head was perpetually focused on those emotions, rather than his duties and priorities. Shawn wondered how ordinary people could accept and manage emotion, and above all he was incredulous at how much all that crap about feelings and love was being praised. Seriously, what was the good thing about making yourself vulnerable and potentially exposed to pain?

The interruption caused by recent events had exhausted him and he felt the need to swallow a massive dose of caffeine, which would give him the necessary charge to continue with his studies. He had allowed himself a short break and was now queuing behind the campus bar checkout, waiting to proceed with his order. He was completely indifferent to the environment around him, so when he heard a pair of hands playfully pinch his hips to get his attention, he was scared to death. When he turned around he was not entirely surprised to find out that it was Camila, but despite it all, his heart made a small jump.

«Ehy, stranger! » greeted the girl cheerfully.

Shawn forced a smile. «Camila».

«Is there a particular reason why you're avoiding me, or ...?» she simply blurted out.

Shawn looked away. «I'm not avoiding you...» His voice came out higher than normal, an indication of the lie he was telling.

Camila smiled and rolled her eyes. «Shawn, you need to improve your lying skills if you're going to be a lawyer... You're not very credible»

He bit his lip and sigh dramatically. «Camila, I'm really busy these days, I don't have time to waste with you... or with no one else to be honest»

Camila looked at him with big, deep eyes. «Such bitter words... Look, I know this behavior has something to do with what happened the other night. Do you want to talk about it?»

Shawn surrendered without even protesting. «Not in here. Shall we take a walk?'» If he had to talk to Camila face-to-face, he wouldn't have had the courage to tell her what he really thought. Walking by her side, on the contrary, was much easier.

Camila nodded and the two left the cafe together, slowly walking side by side. «So, are you going to tell me what's going in your head?» the girl said, her cheerful and carefree voice. Her tone had made Shawn guess that Camila really had no idea what had bothered him, but that didn't make things any better.