Joong
This is the Nine that I knew, the soft hearted, caring Nine. Although we were tense during the drive back, the first thing that he thought of, was my comfort, rather than focusing on what had triggered his uneasiness. I looked into the mirror, wiping the steam that coming up from the hot shower just now. I was smiling, but also felt a deep melancholy. This was how we should be; if without a hurdle in the middle, the feeling that I had harboured since I was 18, would flourish long ago, before it was broken to pieces, by consequences, when I was only at the tender age of 22. I sighed, and changed into fresh shirt. Nine must be waiting for me, to have dinner together.
We ate dinner with an agreed silence. Whatever talk that he insisted, would be done after. Hunger would only add fuel to any bad feeling. I helped to wash the dishes, as Nine made two cups of coffee.
We sat down on the sofa, besides each other, sipping the hot coffee carefully, buying time, as we try to ease the into a conversation.
"Joong...", finally, he started, and so, I put down my mug on the table, and turned to face him directly; only then, he continued, "if I say how I feel, openly, this time, could you please, try to listen? Or else, we need to cut everything off, caused, I can't carry on with this heavy feeling anymore...when I am... with you...".
Nine is...stressed out, by me? Why does that, make me feel a sudden guilt even before he started. But, he had asked for me to listen, so this time, I really need to, or I'd lose him, to nothing at all. So, I nodded.
"I...don't feel comfortable with you, just yet. I understood, that your father might want me to keep an eye on you. He must not know, that we'd fallen apart for years ago, so that must be the reason he ordered for my transfer". No, Nine, that's not it! He just don't want us to be together. I swallowed the bitter taste, and bit my tongue to not say anything.
"Today, while we spent time with Sarah, it hit me, that I felt kind of envy, seeing your close relationship with her, as it was something that we used to have too, but as I said, it has become liked this...We can't turn back time, anyway...", his voice was quivering.
"Long ago, I did fall for you. It was the age where our feelings, seemed to dominate more than rationality did. But, after it was burnt to the ground, over the years, all I remember was the painful memories, and not the love anymore. So, when you came back, and suddenly proclaimed your feelings, it only made me feel angry, instead of joy. To be honest, I didn't believe, that... it was sincere at all...".
My hands turned cold, and were shaking; which I didn't realize, until Nine held them, to warm it up.
"But Sarah, inadvertently, told me, the truth of how you felt about me, something that you never said back then...until now. For whatever reason that you kept them from me, I couldn't fathom too; when I'd already baring my heart for you to see, so clearly. But Joong...that was our past. Right now, I'm really not trying to play hard to get, or hiding anything, but, for me, all that is left, where my feelings on you is concern; are just memories...".
"Ermm...this must be how you felt back then, when you bared your heart out, and I crushed them...", I said, and mindlessly grabbing the front of my shirt, trying to contain the pressure from bursting out of my chest, "it almost feel, liked being cut open". Nine didn't love me anymore. I had killed that love myself. What do I expect, that he would stay being starry eyed in love, after being crushed liked that?
I looked away, my feet wanted to move, to leave, before I broke down, but then Nine held my face to look back at him.
"I'm not finished...don't leave me again, without settling anything", he said, and my eyes darting in confusion.
"I'm sorry, for making you feel less valued, based only from my point of view; as you said before; my anger keep blocking me from seeing another option".
"Where are you going with this? Nine, if you've decided to leave, can't you not say it? I would pretend that it's not what you've chosen, but due to my own lacking self...we.. ", I interrupted, my throat was already tight.
Nine raised his hand and covered my lips gently to stop the words from continuing, "Listen...please...". I took a gulped, calmed myself down, and only then, looked back at Nine.
"I'll try to start again, with you, no label whatsoever attached to it, so please, don't assume or hope for anything. My lost feeling and your attachment to yours, isn't both of them, stemmed from the past? We are foolishly stucked in the same lost time, that should have been thrown away...".
"Could we really do that, throw away, everything?"
"I don't know, Joong. It might come back to bite us, from time to time, but at least we don't wallow too much into it, anymore; and I'm saying that to myself, more than to you. That's all I could offer, for now. So, would that be okay, hmm, Joong?".
"Could I...still try to win you? What I feel, is really not just a crush Nine...", it was a risky bargain, Nine might want to take back what he just offered, and run.
To my surprise, Nine laughed and shook his head in exasperation, "Do whatever you want then, your recklessness never changed! But, promised, to listen to my voice too, Joong; as I said, a fresh blank start is the only thing that I could offer".
I looked at him, nodded and smiled. Blank start, liked a blank paper, signify a chance; to write a new chapter; and not a lost hope.
