Joong
Today was Saturday, but I had no mood to go anywhere. I received a birthday wish from Sarah in the morning, she must be on bed, messaging me right before sleep as there was six hours time difference between here, and Italy.
I waited for someone else's wish for the whole day, agitated, and looking at the phone a few times, in case I missed his call or text. When afternoon progressed to the evening, I finally stopped waiting, and laughed at myself, for thinking that our new, comfortable understanding, would suddenly made him remember.
The door bell sound snapped me off from the game that I'd played for almost half of the day. Who would come at night, liked this? I turned on the cam first, to ensure who it was, and as soon as I saw, the door was yanked open almost in a heartbeat. My heart was beating fast, my cheeks felt bloated trying not to smile foolishly.
"You...rang the door bell? You knew the codes; it hasn't changed from the first time you ambushed me here, that day...", I said, teasing him.
"Ermm, it's alright. I'm not coming in, just come to give you this, a present, from Sarah", he said and handed me the paper bag. I looked at the bag blankly, and looked back at him, not registering anything other than his refusal to come in. "Joong, take this...", Nine touched my hand to get my attention back to the bag.
"You could take it back home then,...if you just came for this, might as well leave it later on my desk, not much difference, anyway", I said, my voice unexpectedly cold. I couldn't hide the hurt.
"No. It's not that...I don't want to disturb your time, with anyone. But, fine, I'll leave this on your desk later, but keep it from Sarah, she'll be hurt".
Time with anyone? Does he, still think that I am sleeping around?
"No one is here...I meant, never had anyone coming here since I came back; except Uncle Man on Wednesday; and that time...when you came to wake me up".
I could see that Nine was hesitating. I took the bag and grabbed his wrist to pull him inside. Still not letting go, I put the present on the table, and pulled him to follow me towards the bedroom.
"What are doing, Joong?", Nine was surprised and pulled back with effort, but I held tight. I switched on the bedroom's lights, and pulled him in to show the empty bed, behind the curtain, and even the inside of the shower.
"Satisfied? You could check the closet too if you want. Maybe, I hid someone there...", only then, I let go of his wrist. I knew it hurt him a bit, as he rubbed the reddened area. I walked out, leaving him where he stood, and sat on the sofa, covering my face with my palms. Why did I lash out on Nine? But, somehow, his distrust, even after all that talk about a blank start, making me feel, degraded.
Though my eyes were closed, I could feel it, as he sat besides me quietly, stroking my back, waiting for me to calm down. I took a deep breath, and only now felt the shame for treating Nine harshly, yet, in contrast, his reaction, was full of compassion.
"Seven years ago, on your birthday, I did come here, Joong...", his quiet words, making my eyes felt a little damp. Immediately, I understood what had happened. I put down my hands from covering my face, and turned to look at him. There's a faraway look in his eyes, but there's no anger. Instead, all he gave me was a sad smile.
"You...you saw?", I almost felt liked dying, he never once said anything about it at the time, and carefully kept it in all these years. Nine nodded. "Was that why, you stopped coming here, too?".
"That night, I actually decided to confess, once and for all, after waiting years for you to reach a legal age. I wanted, whatever decision that we would take, was not based on affection from a long friendship, or confusion alone. That's why, I waited, giving you time to experience your youth with others too, not just me, so that you could decide, whether that, us being together, feel right for you. But, then, the answer was shown to me, earlier, before I could even ask. It's not that I thought it's wrong for you to sleep with anyone; as long as it's a mutual want, it's your choice. But, still, it's definitely, not something I ever wanted to see. Since then, coming here...made me feel nervous. I really...couldn't delete that single memory out of my head, even now."
Nine was telling me all this calmly, but I could see that his fingers were clenched together tight and beads of sweat started to appear on his temple, even though the airconditioner was blasting. I moved from the sofa to the floor, kneeling in front of him and held both his hands.
"I am ashamed, to ask for another forgiveness, Nine. You must be tired, to keep hearing me say sorry, too many times. But...I'm sorry...because of me, you had to feel this way. Foolishly, without knowing, just now, I was triggering your anxiety; forcing you to remember, the same memory again...I'm so sorry...".
I kissed his hands solemnly, buried my face on his knees...and cried. The tears were not just for all the hurt that I had caused Nine, but for the truth that I had to bury for so long, too.
Nine
Joong was crying. I never saw him cried, until now, his face was buried on my knees. My hands slowly moved to caress his hair. I waited until he was calmer, and only then called his name.
"Joong...look at me, please...", I said gently and trying to pull him to sit back up on the sofa, but because he didn't move, I sat on the floor too. "Eyy, it's your birthday, stop crying, hmm...We need to send Sarah some pictures for proof. If she saw that you're crying liked this, I'll be dead!", I said as I wiped his remaining tears with my fingers.
"You're over dramatics...Sarah is protective, but also soft hearted, she won't be mad at you. She must have liked it, Nine, that you're willing to go shopping together with her, liked a best friend".
"Ah, so you knew. She sent pictures?"
"No. I called her, and she told me. She was too excited, saying that you're patiently indulging her, when I, always refuse to entertain her whims, eventhough we've known each other longer. How many hours?"
"Almost four; and that, not including lunch time. But, she was a good company, I didn't even realize, until we said goodbye, that it was that long".
"Urgh, what both of you talked about?", Joong asked, his eyes darting nervously.
"Hmm, not telling you. She must have not told you anything too, since she's very good in keeping it safe, isn't it? Ah, must be very unsettling, right, when you wanted to know something that's kept in the dark, but...couldn't...", I said carefully, searching his expression for answers.
"Then...just keep it safe between the two of you, Nine", he said trying to close the matter, and stood up to wash his face. I waited until he's gone, and only then punch the throw pillow on the sofa to vent my frustration. But, at least I detected, a little subtly hidden sign of anxiousness. My instinct that something didn't add up, was getting stronger than ever.
Joong, what is it, that you're hiding from me?
