Between Somewhere and Nowhere

A Gift Worth Having

Mary was in the process of lighting another candle when Diana Spellman appeared before her, carrying a log in her arms. Mary was both relieved to see her and filled with trepidation that she was going to leave again. She kept her hope caged within her, even as her eyes widened in response to Diana's presence, and she stilled the speech that wanted to leap from her - waiting for news.

"I saw them Mary." The joy on Diana's face warmed Mary's heart even as she knew it was the beginning of the end. "Sabrina, Hilda, and Zelda. They are a family as much as any other. Sabrina has mothers, she is taken care of."

Mary nodded in understanding as Diana placed the log on the floor near the open doorway and straightened to take Mary's hands, "You were right, Mary. Zelda loves Sabrina, everything she does, every choice she makes, is for the well-being of her family. Sabrina is as much hers as she is mine, maybe more so with all of the time that has passed and all of the moments they've had together." Mary squeezed Diana's hands encouragingly and attempted a smile.

"You know Mary...I can't say that I ever understood that Zelda could have just as easily been a choice for me as Edward was and perhaps that was why I responded so eagerly to Edward's advances, so that I wouldn't have to give her up entirely... but seeing Zelda tonight....I just..." Diana's eyes shimmered softly as her heart beat loudly on her sleeve, "Despite the circumstances that put Sabrina in her arms, I am happy I was able to give Zelda the child she's always wanted. She is more than worthy of motherhood and Sabrina is as much her daughter as she is mine."

Mary was surprised to feel Diana's hand gently brush the tears off her cheek, unaware that she was crying, and she pulled away from the woman a bit ashamed, "I'm sorry Diana, I am happy for you. You've been here for so long, you deserve your freedom. I can't help but worry what will become of me but this moment is about you and I truly am thrilled for you."

"Oh Mary, I am sorry that I must go." Diana offered her hand and Mary took it, feeling the woman's warmth as her hand was covered by both of Diana's, Mary nodded sadly. "I brought you the Spellman's Yule log. It's enchanted and as long as it's lit, no malevolence shall pass. It should keep away the Soul Eater. You'll be safe here, Mary."

"How will I ever be free, Diana?" Mary couldn't stop the tears as they poured from her, a physical manifestation of her heartache.

Mary was pulled into Diana's embrace and the woman whispered in her ear as she squeezed her tight, "You will have to accept that you are dead and the life you once had is over. Only then will you be able to move towards the life you now lead."

When Mary pulled back and opened her eyes, Diana was gone but the yule log was burning bright. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Mary dug through Edward's things and found exactly what she sought - pen and paper. Settling next to the fire, Mary began to write down everything that reminded her of her life; "Greendale. My parents. NYU. Wanting to be an archivist. Losing them. Teaching at Baxter High. Reading. Embroidery. Renovating the cottage. Hydrangeas. My garden. Adam." She continued to scribble as the tears flowed, releasing her former self into the pages.

She stopped writing when she had no more tears to shed and she looked at the pages she'd filled out. She'd spent time drawing certain things, other things were described in just one word while others in entire paragraphs. She'd also written what she'd dreamed her life could have been, what it might have looked like, and she felt herself grieving that the most - the possibility of a future that might have looked vastly different from her present and past. Being denied those unknown possibilities was the most difficult to accept.

One by one Mary held those sheets over the Yule log, watching as her life-in-point-form went up in flames and she released the past, present, and future. As paper turned to ash and it fluttered to the earth beneath her, Mary looked down at the broken cross necklace in her hand and realized in order to truly move forward, she needed to leave her belief in the past as well. God had not saved her from ending up in Limbo, a place where she truly didn't believe she belonged, and her life of devotion had not saved her from being murdered. Either God didn't exist or Mary wasn't a point of interest, either way, religion no longer suited her. It was time to let it all go.