Inhale

2016: Lindsey

I sit at the old kitchen table, gazing at the gray snow falling just outside the window. The cold creeps through the rickety walls of the small house and burrows deep in my bones. Though the lights in the room are off and have been for some time now, the dusty light glimmering in from said window above the sink is still enough to show how empty the house has become. The missing pieces of my fading world feel like a reflection of the constantly sinking hole in my gut.

I barely jump when the home phone rings on the counter, shattering the silence. Turning my head back to the window, I wait for my limbs to return to their numb state, aches shooting through my body from sitting too long. The sound of the phone ringing eventually fades into silence, and the house settles around me.

     Out the window, I notice something moving just beyond the tree line. A small figure in a pink puffer jacket bounds out onto the lawn, a small red sled in tow behind her. I smile from the window, putting down the bowl I was washing and wiping my damp hands on the drying cloth. Ash won't be home for a bit, I think to myself. I should have a little time.

Grabbing my coat from the front closet, I slip on a pair of brown gloves and snow boots. Shrugging into the jacket, I open the door and step out. The cold bites my nose and cheeks, but it's quickly forgotten when I see Katie happily running towards me, the sled abandoned behind her. It's a wonder she doesn't trip over her boots. 

Her arms stretched towards me, I laugh and jog out to catch up with her. Her scarf drips down the front of her jacket with her movement, and I can see her smile and sparkling eyes standing out against her rosy cheeks.

"Mommy!" She calls, her voice echoing across the yard through the falling snow. As she catches up to me, I bend down to embrace her. She collides with me and I wrap my arms around her while I brace myself against falling over where I kneel on the damp ground.

"I love you, baby," I whisper, clutching her warm head against my shoulder.

"Mom?" I open my eyes, but my arms hold nothing but air. Where is Katie? I begin panicking. She's gone. She's gone. I need my baby. I stand up quickly and whip my head around, but I can't see her.

"KATIE!" I shout, my hands cupped around my mouth.

"KATIE! WHERE ARE YOU?!" I run forward into the steady line of trees ahead of me, branches whipping around my face as I wildly search for her. She couldn't have gotten far. I jump over fallen logs and dodge low hanging branches, stopping in a clearing to catch my breath.

I drop to one knee, my lungs expanding raggedly against the struggle to stay up. I climb back to both feet, but that's when I see it.

At the ground in front of me, a pink puffer jacket lays discarded in the snow. I fall to my knees and clutch it tightly in my hands. She's gone.

"Mom?"

     I'm ripped back to the present and tear my eyes from the window. Ash stands in the kitchen doorway, strands of her blond hair hanging in gentle waves over her right eye.

"Are you okay?" She asks quietly. I sit up straight in the chair, wiping away a tear from my eye that managed to escape. I throw on a weak smile, struggling to reassure her.

"Yes, I'm alright. When did you get home?" She meekly walks into the kitchen, grabbing a glass from the cupboard and filling it with water from the sink.

"The snow started getting too high, so the schools closed early." She turns to me, leaning back against the counter and raising the glass to her lips. "Did you call about the house today?"

I blink. "House...?" She sets the glass down, frustration evident on her face though I can see she tries to conceal it.

"Mom, you were supposed to talk to that real estate agent this morning about the new house."

"Right. I'm sorry, honey. I just haven't really been thinking clearly lately. I'll give her a call and see if we can reschedule for tomorrow morning." Her face softens.

"It's okay, Mom. I'll go finish packing my room." She turns to leave, but before she walks out the door to the kitchen, she stops and whispers, "I miss her too." With that, she leaves, and the dust and silence settle in her absence.

***

I shudder in the leather recliner in front of the flickering fireplace, the thick blanket from my bed draped over my body. Debbie, the real estate agent, agreed when I called her three hours ago that tomorrow at ten AM sharp would be a good time to meet, which means I'll have to be up at seven to make the drive. I know I should sleep, but I can't close my eyes despite night having set some time ago.

I don't hear Ash upstairs, so I assume she's passed out in her bed, likely with earbuds plugged into her ears with the music blasting, the lamp next to her bed still on. Such is the way of teenagers, I think to myself, knowing full well that this habit started for her only a month ago. Right after Kaitlyn disappeared. I shake the thought out of my head, not wishing to fall back into that dark place just yet.

Gazing into the crackling flames set before me, I watch the embers pulse like living heartbeats against the hearth. So much life, yet so much destruction. Every pop and sizzle of the fire fades into more white noise in my head, and I feel my dry eyes begin to droop. Outside, the wind picks up, rattling against the old windows of the house.

If I sleep now, I ponder, maybe it will have all just been one long dream. My head sags against my chest, and darkness takes over.