I Am Zombie Bait

Chapter 9

Zombie guts don't smell great. I never imagined that I could add to that statement. But now I could. Zombie guts don't feel great either. The zom that jumped me appeared from around the dumpster like some kind of wizard. She was wearing a skirt and really nothing else, but still. Poof! Outta nowhere. She jumped me and I fell right in the pile of zombie entrails. It felt as nice and squishy as it sounded. But that wasn't all, I now had this zom on me, snapping her jaw away at me, her breath worse than a dog after eating his own droppings. Yes, that is a thing. I was able to keep her inches from biting my face because I'd shoved my hand into her throat and was barely holding her back. That's right, I wasn't holding her back by her throat, my hand was literally inside her neck and I was gripping her spine. Yup, nice and traumatizing.

If that picture wasn't already pretty enough, there was even more. So when I said she didn't have a shirt on, it would be more accurate to say she didn't really have anything left to cover with a shirt. Her whole chest and stomach looked like it had been carved out, and recently too. She may have taken a glancing blow from my zombie crusher 2000 and had her chest ripped out. Then she was probably somewhere behind the dumpster so I didn't see her until she was jumping on top of me. That was the theory I had anyway.

So here was this lovely lady spewing juices from her mouth, throat, and chest onto my body. This is what I know so far about how the whole zombie thing works. Whatever it is that causes someone to go from alive and kicking to dead and biting can bee transferred from one person to another. From observations I have gathered that a zom can bite a living person and turn them, but if someone is already dead when bitten, they don't get back up again. Not sure why, maybe it has to get through a certain amount of the body before it can reanimate you or something. Also, the infection or whatever is not air borne. How do I know this? Because I've breathed in the smell of split open zombie heads more times than I care to remember. If it was air borne, I'd have turned long ago. Not that I'm an expert, but I'm pretty sure that whatever it is, is has to be transferred through fluids. So spit, blood, what have you. I've never seen a zombie go to the bathroom so I don't know if they pee or not. If I do see that, this whole apocalypse thing will take on a new and disturbing meaning for me. This is why I think some zoms somehow got into the city's water supply, since drinking the tap water turns you.

So laying there in a pool of zombie juices while even more fluids are dripping onto me like the worst waterfall since outbreak, all I could think was that I was screwed. Sure, there was that incredibly remote possibility that even as I was swimming through these fluids they still hadn't gotten into me. But the end of the world is not kind to people. I had more gashes and scabs than I'd ever had in my life. Not to mention aches, pains, sores, cramps, and whatever else there is. Either way, chances were pretty good I'd been infected.

Call it the will to survive or being plain stubborn, I just wasn't ready to give up. So there was no way in hail I was going to let this zom get a bite out of me. This meant I was going to fight. I didn't have my bat with me, because I'm an idiot, and I couldn't reach my hatchet, which was disappointing because I'd been looking for an excuse to use it ever since I found it. The only thing I could reach was my knives. I grab one and full on shove it into the zoms eye. What? Like I know where to stab someone to get to their brains? I hardly know enough about the skull to figure out how the bottom row of teeth stay connected to the top row! Anatomy's not a strength for me. Whatever! It didn't matter because it gave me a better point of leverage to push the zom back. I had to be careful not to let her bit me on the chest or legs. Yes, those were the areas I was most worried about. As I pushed her back I was able to reach my hatchet. Yes! I pulled it free and start hacking away at her skull.

Somehow I imagined it would be easier to get through a zoms skull with a blade than with a bat. It was not. By the time I'd gotten through the bone my arm felt ready to fall off. One last swing, with a yell for good measure, and the zom went down. It would have be nice to collapse right then and rest after such a demanding experience. Yeah, no. I jumped to my feet and stripped as fast as I could. I'm not talking just my jacket and pants, I mean everything. All the way down to my birthday suit. If I thought the blizzard was cold, I was quickly learning how wrong I was.