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We met for the first time on the 31st of May, 3 years ago. I was in my junior year in highschool. I remember the sun was shining brightly, a few clouds hiding the sun from time to time. Me and my friend Hoseok were in the practice room and Hoseok was learning a new part of the dance while our teacher stood on the side to catch his breath.

Hoseok and I had been dancing together for 7 years, working our butts of in the practice room every single day. We won numerous competitions as we were both desperate to win. We didn't only dance together, we went to school together ever since we were young and hung out after almost every day. He was like an older brother I never had.

We had been through a lot of hardships as well. Some days, when one of us got too frustrated, we outed that in rage. Walking away from each other one time, and breaking out in a fight the next time. But even after all that, he was all I had. He kept me sane. Even though he also had his own issues, and I admired that about him a lot.

Hoseok's mom had left him at a young age, which was the cause of his abandonment issues that came paired with ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder). His childhood really wasn't all that great. His dad didn't know how to take care of him after his mom left, which is why he grew up with his grandparents. He was bad at expressing how he felt, and even worse at explaining how he felt. But I was patient enough, and he was glad we had each other.

His coping mechanism was mostly dancing, it was his way of letting it all out. It was his way of feeling free in this toxicating world. He loved it, it was his passion and he was absolutely great at it as well.

From time to time the raven haired boy would break down in my arms, crying as he thought about past events. All I had to do to calm him down was softly caress his hair. That way he fell asleep easily, and after he woke up he was alright again.

I later found out his mom used to caress him like that when he was younger, and I can still remember to this day how it crushed my heart when he gave me that piece of information.

Hoseok was on pills, he took 3 everyday. Sometimes, when he had a bad day, the total count was 5. He had to take them because he would sometimes randomly collapse. I felt bad about it, but I also had my own problems to deal with, so it didn't really bother me to that extent.

I had lots of anxiety, and I had been struggling with my eating disorder for a while. Hoseok was always there to help me, sometimes just patiently talking me into eating one bite of his meal. I was so thankful for having a friend like him. He was the extravert every introvert needed in their life. I was the happiest when I was with him. But it all changed when she joined our dance crew.

That day, I wasn't able to participate because I had fractured my ankle only two days prior, trying out a dance step that was too difficult for me. When she walked through the door, I immediately knew she was the one. I felt weird, but I just couldn't put a name on the feeling.

I was sat in a corner where no one acknowledged my presence, recording the dance for when I would be able to dance again. But I never used the video for that purpose later. Nor did I ever get the chance to dance with Hoseok or her again.

It was all her fault.

I zoomed in on her, she was absolutely ethereal. The light that fell down from the windows shined onto her hair just right as it swung around in the room, she looked like an angel. She and Hoseok were dancing to "my youth", the song was pretty relatable and upbeat, but I cared more for the dance than the music itself. A good dance made the music sound good, not the other way around.

That day, when she looked my way and simply smiled at me, I couldn't physically look away from her. I felt myself staring, but I couldn't help it. She was like a magnet that attracted everything within a 10 meter radius from her, including me.

She was good at dancing, her swift movements made it look like she floated around. I wished I hadn't fractured my ankle. I wished I could've danced with her, just like Hoseok did. But I guess our stars just didn't align that way.

~
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3/2/21

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