Ilsa's advice

A different reasoning

In sight of a cheap looking diner with some rather dubious figures hanging about, Benji finally slowed down. Although it didn't look very welcoming, the fact that he hadn't eaten since hours made him go inside. Automatically choosing a place at the very back, where he had the best overview of the room including the entrance, he studied the laminated menu. After ordering the least appalling of the choices along with a beer, he internally debated whether or not he should call someone to distract him or just eat his dinner in the pity of his self-chosen isolation. Reluctant to bother anyone at dinner time, he decided to wait at least until after his meal and maybe another beer or two, because why not.

Feeling a bit better but still not quite ready to turn back to Ethan, he eventually called Ilsa, yet another beer standing in front of him.

"Benji? What happened?", she answered the phone, surprised to hear from him.

"Why do you think something happened?" Benji mumbled, his voice slightly slurred.

"How many beers did you drink?" Ilsa sounded disapprovingly.

"Clearly not enough," Benji was countering, not liking to be reprimanded yet again. Maybe he shouldn't have called her after all, but now it was too late.

"What happened?" Ilsa repeated her question more forcefully.

"Had a fight with Ethan," Benji sighted. "He was holding me back in our last mission. Hardly let me leave the van. And that although he clearly could've better used me joining his side, when the mission was going bollocks. I told him so and he couldn't even admit that I was right! He's driving me crazy! I wanted to help him, to help the team, but clearly, he doesn't think so high of my fighting abilities. I didn't pass the field agent test at first try for nothing! I may not be nearly as talented as Ethan is – no one is – but I'm good enough to stand my ground! I could have helped him!"

Following his ramble, he gulped down half of his beer in a meagre attempt to calm himself.

"Benji, stop drinking this minute and listen to me," Ilsa told him in a sharp voice, demanding his attention. Benji huffed, but set down his beer, ready to listen. He wanted advice, after all.

"If Ethan had hold you back, he did it because he cares about you. Because that's how Ethan is, he puts himself into danger without even thinking what might happen to him and how that might affect other people. Because he already lost people dear to him in the past and doesn't ever want to go through that again."

She took a deep breath before continuing.

"So, if he was deliberately leaving you out of a danger zone, it means that he was scared of losing you. He would rather die than let anything happen to you. And I know he still feels responsible for what Lane did put you trough, so I'm not surprised that he's a bit overprotective around you. You mustn't think that he doesn't see you as an equal team member. I'm sure he does. I know he's got the highest opinion of you – that much is obvious – and you really needn't worry about his trust in you. I've seen how he looks at you, Benji. He adores you!"

Benji was clinging to his beer, feeling bewildered. He didn't know what to think of Ilsa's reasoning. Especially the last part. He was sure he had seen that admiration Ilsa talked about, when he looked her in the eyes, not him. Or did he really think so much of him? Benji remembered how Ethan let him stay and help him in London – but that had been before he fucked up and let himself be kidnapped by Lane. How could he look up to him after that?

"Is that true?" he eventually said to Ilsa, doubt heavy in his voice. The latter sighted noticeably over the phone, losing her patience.

"Yes Benji, it is. I might not now him as well as you do, but I can see it when someone is head over heels in love with someone!"

Benji gasped, shocked. "Wh... What do you mean, in love with someone? I thought you were... How do you mean that?" he stammered, his heartrate increasing.

Ilsa huffed, noticing how Benji nearly implied her and Ethan being together.

"Oh Benji, surely you must've worked out some of it until now, haven't you?" she laughed. "The first moment I saw the two of you together, saw how you worked in perfect harmony, I knew you two had a strong connection. It wasn't until later though, that I noticed the little signs. How Ethan always tends to stand closest to you, how often he casually touches you, how he always brightens up when you enter the room. Much the same as you, by the way. It was quite plain for everyone to see, to be honest."

Benji blinked hard, wondering if he was awake. Maybe he was just dreaming this up, it sounded to good to be true.

"Benji? Are you still there?" Ilsa sounded slightly worried.

"Yeah." Benji answered with a slight tremble in his voice. "I don't... You really think he's in love with me? Ethan Hunt?" he sounded still shocked, but a little more hopeful.

"Yes, he is," Ilsa answered softly, relieved that he was finally taking it for real.

"What should I do now?" Benji panicked slightly.

"Go back to him. Tell him you love him. As for the argument you had, point out how you feel when you watch him taking all of the risks alone and ask how he would feel if it was the other way round. That will make him think. Simple as that."

"You make it sound so easy," Benji grumbled. He wasn't so sure he would be able to get those words over his lips in front of Ethan though. But at least he was in way better spirits now.

"But thanks anyway," he told Ilsa, sounding much better than at the beginning of their phone call.

"If you are right, maybe he won't kill me because of breaking the rules after all," Benji joked, making Ilsa chuckle.

"Nice to hear you are back. Now hurry back, you know how Ethan hates waiting without purpose." Ilsa said her goodbye. Benji wished her a good night and took out his wallet to pay.

Even if he was still a bit uncertain, Ilsa's advice at the very least gave him the courage to go back and face Ethan. How that would play out, well, that would depend heavily on Ethan's reaction and on the question of his feelings. One way or another, it would do them good. For Ilsa made him realise that it would be better for the both of them to know on what ground they stood then to have this wall of uncertainty forever between them.