The Institution

Chapter 6: The Gay, the Straight, and the Man in the Closet

I had a strange tight feeling in my chest- almost like there was an elastic band tied around my lungs, restricting my breathing. I didn't know what to think, or what to feel. The questions started running through my brain then. How could Arthur have kept this hidden from me, all this time? Hadn't there been any clues? How could I miss this- was I really so oblivious that I could miss something as obvious as my roommate being gay?

I shook my head in disbelief at my own foolishness. Arthur is gay. I'm living with a gay guy- a guy who watches me change clothes, who sees me partially naked on a daily basis, who sleeps in the bed across from mine. What if this whole time, he was fantasizing about me and I didn't even realize...?

I shivered. I felt so... dirty, so wrong, somehow. I felt betrayed.

And then on top of it all Arthur had had the gall to threaten me! The bastard, who does he think he is?

He probably felt threatened himself, a little voice in the back of my head interrupted. He was just trying to protect himself from you.

As if he needed any protection, I thought savagely as I marched angrily down the sidewalk. It's me, isn't it? No one could ever feel threatened by me!

Oh, but that's where you're wrong, said the little voice sagely.

Some people think it's strange to carry on long conversations with yourself inside your own head. Not me. In my defense though, I had just taken a rather severe blow to the cranium.

What do you mean? I asked the voice. Arthur is an ass, and a liar. Who knows what he could be thinking about me? I'd rather live without that judgment, thanks. I've had enough of this. As soon as I get back to the dorm, I'm going to request a room change.

But isn't that exactly what you're doing to Arthur?

What do you mean?

You're judging him for something that is outside of his control. He didn't choose to like men. Just like he didn't choose to have you, a homophobic prat, as his roommate.

Apparently the little voice wasn't going to give in without a fight, but then, neither was I.

But I'm not homophobic, I thought. I don't have a problem with gay people.

Are you sure? said the snide little voice. You just said you don't want to live with him because he is gay. Who says he's even going to think of you in that way? You're frightened of your own vulnerability; this situation is outside of your comfort zone. You've never had to deal with anything like this before, and you are fighting it because you are afraid- perhaps even more afraid than Arthur is. What kind of a person does that make you?

I really hate it when the little voice outsmarts me.

People are defined by their choices, said the voice wisely, and you have a choice here. You can choose to alienate him, like many others undoubtedly will if they ever uncover the truth about Arthur. Or you can accept him for who he is. You wanted to be his friend before, why shouldn't you want to be his friend now?

Because it makes me feel uncomfortable, I argued stubbornly.

Why does it make you uncomfortable? He's still the same person that he was before.

He lied to me.

And rightly so. If he knew you would judge him like this, why wouldn't he? Are you saying that you wouldn't do the same thing if you were in his place?

I reflected on that for a minute as I continued to trudge down the darkened street. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I probably would act the same way if I were in Arthur's place. I could feel my anger starting to dissipate.

There is nothing to fear from living with a gay man, said the little voice gently. You are not going to catch his gayness. It's not a disease.

I know that, I thought. That's not what I'm worried about....

Think about how Arthur must feel right now, said the voice. He is terrified of how you are going to react. He hasn't shared his secret for a reason. Has he ever told anyone before?

Has he? I didn't know. The guy he was kissing must know- or would he just chalk it up to being drunk?

If people found out the truth, it would change his life. He's frightened, that's why he reacted the way he did. You need to let him know that you accept him for the way he is, gay or straight. That you will not judge him. That you will not expose his secret to anyone if he wants to keep it that way. You need to let him know that he can trust you, because right now his behavior indicates that he has no one he can trust. He's a man living in fear of rejection. You know more about rejection than anyone, don't you?

I found myself nodding to myself.

I could relate to Arthur's situation; I know exactly how it feels to be picked on for being different, to be called worthless, to be bullied, belittled, and pushed down. Arthur is not worthless. And he must know that. And I am the one who is going to help him realize that.

I could see now that the little voice was right.

Alright, fine. Arthur isn't as much of an ass as I said he was and I don't hate him for being gay. Now what?

You go and help him.

And how do I do that?

The little voice didn't answer me.