A Court of Illyrian Hearts

Chapter Thirteen

Cassian POV

I slowly open my groggy eyes. The cabin is dark but not so dark that I can't see; as if the sky outside was overcast with dark clouds. But it is morning; I know that because I have trained myself to wake up at sunrise every day.

I go to move my arm, planning to get out of bed, but something warm and hard is resting on it. My reflexes jolt me fully awake. I look down at the head resting on my arm and my eyes widen.

Baelyn is sleeping soundly in my bed, resting her head on my arm.

Making as little movement as possible, I turn slightly, but unfortunately, it awakens the soldier within her and her eyes are open in an instant. They meet mine and the world goes still.

'Cassian?' her morning voice is adorably groggy.

'Hey,' I tell her, for once not mustering an arrogant smile. I look at her and all the memories from yesterday come flooding back. What we did.

She holds the same haunted look in her eyes as I imagine is mirrored in mine.

She shifts off my arm and sits up.

Bringing her tan fingers up, she feels her cheeks, and I note the tear streaks staining the rosy surface. Her head bows down slightly and the picture before me is one of a fallen soldier, unable to bear the thought of what he had done. When she turns to me, her eyes are silver-lined.

'How are we supposed to go back out there? How are we supposed to act as if we didn't just kill two innocent people?' Her voice breaks at the end.

I sit up and grab her hand. Surprisingly, she doesn't drawback.

'Only a few more weeks Baelyn,' I tell her. Her head lowers and she squeezes her eyes tight as if the weight of everything was too much. With slow movements, I reach for her with my other hand and as gently as I can, cupping her cheek and lifting her eyes to meet mine. 'We're so close; we cannot allow this to break us. Grieving comes after the mission but for now, we must act like the soldiers we trained to be.'

She scoffs half-heartedly. 'You sound like you've been through this before.'

My hand tightens around hers. 'I was born into this.'

We sit there for a few quiet moments, and I let her calm down before she has to go back to her cabin to change. I hadn't noticed the cream satin dressing gown that hugs all her curves last night, and now that I do, I have to look away quickly and swallow the rising heat inside me. A sudden harsh knock on the cabin door makes us jump and she rips her hands out of mine.

'Up and at 'em General.' I rough voice calls and soon we hear his fading footsteps.

Baelyn stares at me, wide-eyed. Then she lets out a small laugh. 'Patrol's in an hour.' She says, scrambling off the bed and walking to the door. 'See you there.' She says and exits the cabin. Her words weren't cold but something deep inside of me says that she is going to be battling with yesterday's events for a very long time. So was I.

By the time I'm dressed and ready, the sky has darkened, and like last night, faint raindrops fall around me as I walk to the station.

Baelyn is already there, hair braided, leathers as stately as ever, but her eyes; her eyes are bloodshot. She gives a small nod of greeting and we start our patrol in silence.

Neither of us seemed really bothered by our actions to comfort each other last night, or the fact that it ended with her falling asleep in my bed.

I remember the guilt I felt, like the guilt after any killing, as I wrestled with my actions. I remember the unbearable pain in my chest, the feeling of not getting enough air in burning my lungs. Like every other nightmare I had; it was inescapable.